Thursday, 30 December 2010

Madeleine Peyroux - This is Heaven to Me

I am at work. I am feeling very sick, I think that stupid subway sandwich poisoned me or maybe the indian guy who prepared it, not sure, just angry at the moment. Am also half-high, took a strong advil, am not sure how am writing, fingers move by themselves. Am in my little cubicle, listening to the soft, soothing sounds of Madeleine Peyroux and am wishing, feeling, imagining green fields, blue skies, flowers, the sound of leaves lulling me to sleep, the moisture of grass refreshing in different world. All due to music...what a power!

Friday, 24 December 2010

Hey new year...

So, I dedicate this post to new year (kind of too early, but am guessing that with Christmas eve approaching and the pagan celebration of winter solstice, it is kind of a new year threshold) and my wishes.

I want an apartment to myself with lots of light. Am not wishing anything major here, just my own space where I can do whatever I want, decorate it whichever way I want, put my artwork up, listen to music out loud, dance like crazy, try and fail to do yoga, another try and fail with exercise and of course, have my friends over whenever I like (maybe future lovers, when am ready).

I want freedom! I want financial freedom. I want to be able to have control over everything that surrounds my life and no longer have to deal with other people's messes, dinner, whatever. Am too tired of living with others. I want my own space and time and just the fucking chance to breathe and live the way I want.

That's it. Thank you God and Santa for giving me a little bit of the rest of things I wanted this year, but this is what I want for next. Of course, please pay attention also to my list of material things which I think would definitely automatically take care of a few of the things in the emotional list as well.

Thank you and good night!

Christmas eve...

It is 10:27pm, christmas eve. I am still upset and nursing my hurt heart, my buzzing headache from drinking too much today with people from work on an empty stomach, and yet...I discover a blog and surprisingly, I feel a bit better, more hopeful. I read and read and read and the hours pass by. This is how I waste my time...reading other people's thoughts and wishing theirs were mine, their lives were mine, a constant roll of envy. Yes, that's me, envy queen. Maybe I shouldn't use envy, it has such a negative connotation. I should just say that I am not happy with what I got (never been, really) and that only lately, I have started getting more comfortable in my skin. The funny thing is that I can play the part of the very strong, very confident woman very well. I would get an oscar, that's for sure. I always seem to know it all, have it all, but it is far from the truth. If only people knew my daily life and my...anyway, I will keep that in my mysterious corner of a shadow.

I think I am ready to move on....I think I will stop loving Dhary from today on (I don't expect it to happen overnight, but gradually, it will fade) and that from now on, I think I will stop being so self-conscious about everything and be more open about my life. I will put more pics of me (or maybe sketches, not sure yet) and I will try to write more....I said try, most probably won't happen, as usual. I am very good at planning and envisioning the right things to do, but putting them to action, that is another matter.

Meanwhile, let me share some happy images and material wishes (it is christmas, after all...the holiday of holidays for materialism).

Maybe Santa will be nice to me for once ;)

Moccasins anyone?

Random, huh? But wait, am not done. I think I will just continue listing what I want for the new year...or maybe I should say that on new year's eve? But no, I will be too busy partying most probably (at least I hope so, something needs to go right this holiday season even though it is soooo much better than last) so I think maybe I will list them here. But since this post is getting too long, I will just have to write another one ;)

Fucked UP Christmas....yet again!

I am fucking mad, beyond mad...but even more hurt than mad. Today is the 24th, feeling a bit better than I did last year around this same time and then the bomb comes, an email with hurtful words and even more hurtful statements. After one year of having moved out and not picked up my stuff, he has donated them to salvation army. How could you do that? How can you send me that hateful email and do those hateful things when all I have been thinking this whole week is how much I miss you and just how much I still love you?

 Im so fucking hurt....yet another fucked up christmas, as usual. Story of my fucking life.

Am glad that nobody is here at 8:43am at work cause im fucking crying like an idiot and it is all your fault. How I wish I didn't have a heart, how I wish I wasn't such a fucking idiot, how I wish I hadn't loved, I take that back, I would never wish that, I'm glad I loved you. I just wish I was a different person so I could deal with things differently, be stronger, smarter....but I am too fucked up to be happy. I deserve my misery, I bring it onto myself.

So, merry christmas to you too Dhary, and thanks for breaking my heart again, on christmas, one year later.

Hateful love,


Thursday, 16 December 2010

Wish List

What is on your wish list? Do you have one? I have never really had a wish list...never was that organized. However, I do know that if i were to list my wishes, they would be quite long and they would be divided into material and emotional wishes. The material one would be quite long, the emotional, maybe a bit shorter (maybe!), but both, pretty long. I have a lot to wish this year but also a lot to be thankful for. Where did this year run to? I feel like it was only yesterday that I was here writing about Christmas and its depressing mood. This year, it is much better, thank you. Now I am employed by a consulting firm that has offices all over the world (Middle East, here I come!), I still am pretty bad in finances but doing much better, at least a buck for a coffee I got...Also, this year, although I don't have someone that loves me, I also don't have someone to hurt me. I have friends, I am moving out (yesssss!!!) and all in all, am full in hope. So now that I think about it, maybe my material list is way longer than my emotional one :)

If you are feeling generous this season and would like to sponsor my happiness in procuring me with the below items, please feel free to do so. I welcome it, as usual!

Pedro Almodovar: Pedro Classics Collection        

I want them so badly. The first one is cashmere and I can dream about being wrapped up in it, feel the warmth of its softness and colours...

Now that everyone is emulating the hippie/cool/vintage/booknerd girl, how will we tell apart the fake from the real? Damn it, it is starting to become nauseating all this same "quirkiness" and "eccentric" fashion.

Who is seriously in love with all these vintage-y stuff or is it just for show? Or do we all just have a superficial fascination with it? What is going on? All you "fashionistas" out there, answer me. Is your interest only in clothes? Or are you all really as deep as you portray yourselves to be? I think I am just wishing to be the only who is too afraid to have you like the same things as me because then...what will be special about me???

I was touched...

This was dedicated to me today. I was touched beyond words. It made me cry. It made me smile. It made me feel special. It made me feel loved and appreciated for the first time by a friend. I felt almost wholesome. I want more....

Lovely, lovable, and insanely magical YOU!

by ELa Kaca on Wednesday, December 15, 2010 at 11:52pm
I was thinking if it is possible that with a handful of words, to tell someone that you really appreciate, how amazing they are. The light bulb in my head lit, and I decided to write this for you.

If there is anyone, who I can talk to for hours, while drinking wine, sitting in two different ends of a couch, smoking insanely much, and covered in a cozy blanket in mid January, that is you. There is no conversation that you do not have an argument for, and a sound argument that is, that does blow everyone’s mind away… I am proud to introduce you to my friends, and show off with you, why not? You are beautiful, with those deep brown eyes that shine even in the middle of a sunny day. And you look like Amelie, or rather, she looks like you. You appreciate art, and have introduced me to the best music video, with which I have started an everlasting relationship ever since. You have read some of my favorite authors, and aim to read much more. You work so hard, and succeed all the time. You are caring, loving, and lovable. If you can make me fall in love with you, so genuinely in love, than you can do just about everything. I am so proud that you are my friend, and we will be, till ‘death sets us apart’. I love you, so very much!


"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

- Anais Nin

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Fashion Overload

So, I just realized that we are going through some kind of fashion overload. Crazy styles everywhere, crazy obsession with anything fashionable and guess what, same kind of eclectic in every magazine, every article, every outfit, every selections of interior design, book design, you name it. It is the same different thing everywhere. What do I mean? I mean, the selection of eclectic styles or clothing has the same kind of mixes, same kind of colour arrangement and quite interestingly, same kind of people as well.

You see that ponytail and this seemingly eclectic look? Well, almost every girl in the street has it and it makes me wonder...maybe I'm not the only one following blogs. I am quite bright in realizing this so soon, huh? (laughs at oneself)

Am not saying I don't like it, but at the same time, I don't like liking what everyone else likes. I like liking things that not everybody likes, it makes me feel unique without having me to try them out in real life and stand out and having to deal with weird looks or just looks in general. Also, in most of the fashion blogs that I follow (I realized my like has a pattern, maybe that's why they are all the same) the ads of all those famous fashion blogs involve vintage/hipster online clothing stores. So, I had this idea. What I am gonna do with my precious time (instead of reading my million books, seeing my million movies and going out incessantly) I will be reviewing every single ad on my saved fashion blogs and make a note on which online store has the cheapest and cutest and most fashionable clothes. How about that, fellow superficial beings?

There you go....if this doesn't make me famous now that we have included fashion in this ungodly depressed blog, now we got a chance at getting some readers. We will probably lose some followers, but who gives a shit, fame is the objective here. And of course, pursuit of superficiality and frivolity and anything that is beautiful. I might make fun of it, but to be honest, I do find it beautiful and I do crave it (fashion, that is). So as much as I am partaking in a bit of perversive masochism in my "likes", I think I am looking forward to my project.

Are you, my inexistent reader, maybe future-existent-reader?

Monday, 15 November 2010

Moments in days of weeks

Starbucks Moment
"The smooth, velvety feel of cream and coffee meet my tongue, courses through to my throat, then takes over the rest of me. The christmas music coupled with the cozy feeling of sinking into a comfortable armchair lull my mind, make my heart sing with sweet memories. I watch people rush, run by, slapped by the cold wind, aroused by the vivacity of the street. I am thinking of pine trees, warm fireplaces, red lights and reindeer on roofs. Sweet moment in a day of sourness within a week of stress and battles. The moment, within the day, within the week. Hmmm, let me enjoy the taste of it. Let me sip it till the end. Let me look at those girls outside and not wish to be them for a moment. Let me live it, love it, cherish it! This is a starbucks moment. What better ad than this?"

Library Moment
I am reading All Quiet on the Western Front and listening to youtube videos on my laptop. The following, makes me stop and think. This is pure beautiful simple writing. It is the reason why Erich Maria Remarque is my favourite writer. Also, I feel that this paragraph summarizes what the book is about to perfection and shows how innocence can be soiled so easily, how minds can be warped and mangled.

"We are not youth any longer. We don't want to take the world by storm. We are fleeing. We fly from ourselves. From our life. We were eighteen and had begun to love life and the world; and we had to shoot it to pieces. The first bomb, the first explosion, burst in our hearts. We are cut off from activity, from striving, from progress. We believe in such things no longer, we believe in the war." p.81-82

Future Cafe moment
I just discovered the following song. The voice, the music, the lyrics make me love all of it for it seems that they represent me at this moment in time. And, of course, shots of subway tunnels that look like London underground make me reminisce of my time there and my desire to be in the streets of Europe for "life for me was a hot ride after the other, couple dates, couple lovers and a couple wild night with you, life for me is about all the chances we're taking, all the love we're making, and I wanna make love with you."

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

"What are you upset about?" - he asked.
"Am just upset about my life in general." - she answers and is surprised to find that the utterance of that sentence, drops her into this void of contemplation about what exactly her life is about and what makes her so upset. She has the question loud and clear in front of her and its perverse presence brings on a monologue...a monologue for her but now for you too...

"What am I exactly upset about? Am just upset about my life in general. Am tired at this constant melancholy state I am in, at my negativity at things, at my fear of failure and my love of the dramatic. Am tired of my life-crippling procrastination, at my million and one ideas and my zero actions. Am tired of my life as a passerby, my life as a follower, my life as a shy leaf, my life as a burnt flame. I want new things, i want a new me, i want a different altogether person. Give it to me, God. Please, just listen to me for once and give me what I need to be happy. If not that, at least help me figure out what exactly do I want to pursue in this life. What should I do? I went wrong somewhere along my path and now am all wound up in a ditch with a thousand crossroads in front of me and nowhere to go, no legs to carry me, no energy to even get up. Why have you paralyzed me so? The truth is, I know it is me who has paralyzed me so and can't seem to bring myself to get up. Go away, fear! Go away, self-doubt! Come here, light! Envelop me, love me, caress me, fill me!"

"Helloooo!?" - he asks her and wakes her from her trance. She realizes that she had forgotten where she was for some time and had this person, this friend, this guy in front of her looking inquisitively at her as if she was some weird stranger. Her monologue must have shown on her face for the guy looked somewhat worried. "You ok?" he proceeded to ask and she had no answers, none to satisfy his curiosity nor his worry. Yes, she was ok...maybe not now, but she will be and that is how she finished yet another episode, moment, fraction of her life.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

The rain just started. The cold coming from the open balcony door has enveloped my feet and the sound of Lhasa de Sela is hugging my soul. Another cigarette was lit and another article was read. Now...all that is left is writing here about another trivial moment in my life and full of meaning, like any other moment that fills and makes up our life. I sip my Czechvar beer, I move my fingers to type here, I dream of success and desirable futures and taste the bitterness of my current failures and my constant loneliness. I stop a minute, I listen to the song, hear Lhasa's lamenting sound and feel my soul crying, the tears dripping in my blood and filling me with sorrow.

I sing along with Lhasa, I voice outloud the suffering of the words Con Toda Palabra and... and unlike what the song says, I feel the lack of words, the powerful punch of emotions, the thunder of my beating heart reverberating through my thoughts, my soul, my being.

I feel alone and yet...somehow, comforted by the presence of my books, my music, my photographs, my art, my hobbies, my likes and my dislikes. I wish away my loneliness and yet...somehow, I welcome it, I bathe in it, I caress it and beg it to treat me well, teach me about myself, to inspire me, to hug me, to awaken me into the light of emancipation...

Light, embrace me. Hope,touch me. Love, fill me. Past, forgive me.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Sail Away....where the doldrums of my soul are...

My grandma died last night and my so-called friends have disappeared. Life seems a constant storm, hurricane after hurricane is devastating the shores of my soul and I crave for some peace. I want to be where the doldrums are...cast away my anger, fears, doubts and sail away into the ocean of my dreams, feel the invigorating wind of future promises, expectations, and impossibilities.

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Crazy skies all wild above me now
Winter howling at my face
And everything I held so dear
Disappeared without a trace
Oh all the times Ive tasted love
Never knew quite what I had
Little darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning round inside my head

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Ive been talking drunken gibberish
Falling in and out of bars
Trying to find some explanation here
For the way some people are
How did it ever come so far

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now
Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Monday, 16 August 2010

No Man's Land in Break Up War

I gave the last kiss on the cheek, hugged her hard and wished her all the best. This was my goodbye for a while to my brother's girlfriend who had become my best friend and almost like the sister that I never had.
Eight days ago, she sent me a message telling me that they had broken up and I never fully realized just how much impact this would have on my brother and consequently, on me.

Due to their constant fighting and my brother's immature personality, I assumed that this would be what he wanted and that he would not suffer that much. But I was foolish and insensitive and a horrible sister, one who did not truly know her brother. This past weekend, I realized just how broken he was and how oblivious I had been to his pain, his emotions; to him in general.

The first panicked cries, broken breaths and big fat tears started last friday, when he came to me in the morning and demanded that we talk and within two minutes, while telling me how fucked up my life was and how many problems I had, he began sobbing. I am cruel and hate men that cry, or cry-babies in general; am too emotional and fragile myself to deal with other people's tears so I became mad at him and yelled at him for diverting his problems into mine. After hours of discussion into why we are so fucked up as a family and why I should stop hanging out with his girlfriend and his friends who have become mine, I finally lost my patience and just blew up on him. I had been patient with his constant outbursts of emotions, snappiness and meanness for the past two months and decided to tell him that he was horrible and that no other person makes me lose my mind like he does and that I was embarrassed and ashamed to be his sister lately. I did not realize the power of my words.

We decide to leave for our (his) friend's birthday party at the cottage in Wasaga and all this time I am telling him to stay because she will be there and that if he is in such a bad mood, he should just stay home instead of making everybody's else time miserable. After snapping at me for being so incredibly obnoxious into thinking that I could go to his friend's cottage and not him, we decided to leave and arrived there quite late at night.
The whole night was spent partying, drinking, mostly getting most university kids nowadays do, which most of the group were (it's part of the reason I like to hang out with them, it makes me feel like I'm still at school). He was always by himself, in a couple of instances he yelled at the guys, yelled at his ex but mostly kept to himself. Everybody noticed because this is not how he usually is, he is always the life of the party, the one everybody wants to hang out with or talk. At this night (on a friday), at the washroom of the cottage, 4-5 guys of the party constantly went to the washroom to consume cocaine, which was a pretty big thing since this was an entirely Albanian group and these are all good kids whose only rebellious part is smoking weed. This consumption of cocaine prompted my brother to believe (in his unstable state of emotions and mind) that his sister would not be safe and that would want to be part of it and since he is Albanian, even though he did not want to be there and would much prefer to go home (which he should have done), decided to stay to make sure that he could protect me or that I will behave well. It did not matter that I am five years older than him or that these are all younger people than me who would never even dare to suggest anything insulting, let alone be in any danger with them.

But I digress, forgive me. The point of this post is that amidst their break up, I had gotten so deep that I was in no man's land in their break-up war. I did not know who to support and who to stay with and who to talk to and what to talk about and what to do. Should I have spent more time with my brother instead of drinking beer, getting high and joking with the boys? For sure! Should I have spent more time with my best friend and consoling her? For sure, too! The thing is, family comes first and I was stuck in the middle of my morals and integrity and I felt bad choosing one or the other, but norms dictate that family comes first and for this, I feel guilty for not supporting my brother.

The thing is, now, at this moment in time that am writing this, after having talked for two hours with my friend (his ex), have come to the realization that when it comes to family, nothing comes first. The trick is making the choice not so obvious that the person involved gets offended or upset or feels betrayed. The good thing about my situation is that my friend which in this case turns out to be my brother's ex, is such a good girl that she is the one who made my decision better and told me to support my brother and stop hanging out with her for awhile. The goodness of her heart and the integrity of her friendship facilitated me to make the right choice.

This is why when you are stuck in the middle of nowhere and you don't know which way to go, rely on your good morals and pray to be lucky to have some friendly sides for the fire might consume you and burn you in the end.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

You broke my heart, today...
Don't know how you managed it,
since you had broken it
ten thousand times before...
but somehow,
you managed to
break it again...

It took months
to repair some of it
and with one
swift lashing of your tongue,
you cut it in pieces
and you slashed it
and you broke it.

You threw upon me
a volcano of mean words,
you left the ashes of your silence
to suffocate me and then...
you apologized
and like the sun
coming through the ash cloud ,
you let me breathe again.

You managed
to accomplish
all this in 35minutes....

That, is the quickest catastrophe
I have ever heard of...
that of the killing of a heart.

But then again,
under a court of law,
you would not
be penalized
because you managed
to kill the same heart again...

But then again,
under the court of humanity,
you have committed
a grave crime...
there is nothing graver
than killing somebody's soul....

But then again,
hearts are broken
and re-broken
and regenerated
for love is just that...
a continuing flow
of pain and happiness
of life and regeneration,
a fluid that fills your heart
and drains it
and fills it
and re-drains it.

This is why,
even when you're broken,
you are never bored...
for ever-changing.

Monday, 31 May 2010

I find that at often times, I am most inspired to write when I am exhausted and is nearly dawn, I have a cigarette between my lips (after having smoked countless) and the bitter taste of it overtakes my mouth and doesn't give me any pleasure, and yet I cannot stop smoking. It is at these moments that I feel most the need to write. It is after a long night of working all day, dealing with family problems, partying, being ditched by friends at a club while you are at a washroom, having to take the bus home for two hours at 3am, that life seems...painfully and beautifully adventurous and meaningful. I can see the sky getting brighter, the sun will wake up in a few hours and its presence, gives me a feeling full of life. I have the day off tomorrow or I should say, today since it's 5am. I am exhausted, upset, uninspired and my feet hurt incredibly so. I danced, I worked, I laughed, I sucked up to customers, I made money, I spent all the money made and here I am, in front of a computer, writing nonsense. What is life? Damn it, why do I feel the need to ask this question at 5 in the morning? 

How does the common person feel at such an hour, after all that was transcribed above? I am tired...but not sleepy. What is this state? How do you describe it or explain it? Bahhh, triviality is my constant companion in writing. I feel like I have nothing worthy to share...and yet, here I am sharing. What can you share?
Are you willing to share???

Give me a piece of your life....I want the exchange!

Here is another cigarette...

Friday, 14 May 2010

There are certain things that cannot go unnoticed. One is a gorgeous woman, the other, is an ugly woman. Both are two ends of the beauty spectrum and yet, something unites them, the fact that they are women, they are human, they are individuals with dreams, desires, imperfections and god knows what else. In most cases, a woman will be in between of those two ends, but there are times when one can exceed the limit of the edges based on their behaviour. A true ugly woman is one who does not necessarily have an ugly face, but definitely an ugly personality. And a true beautiful woman is one who does not necessarily have a beautiful face, but a great personality. In this world, you can pass by with a smile, with jokes, kindness and wits if you let them be your primary factors of life. If you lack any of the above, make sure you take care of that pretty face or you are doomed. If you are lucky to have both, are one freak of nature.

Don't let superficiality rule your life. Let those countless beauty magazines say whatever they want, you pay attention to the magnificent things that move you, focus on your goodness and you will be happy, content, and beautiful in every way.

Those are my two cents of the day....

Monday, 26 April 2010

Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map

Friday, 16 April 2010

The Great Gatsby

I found in my notebook, written in a hurried, ugly handwriting, pieces from the book The Great Gatsby. I read them and found it interesting that I had thought them important, meaningful enough to write them down and see how applicable they are to my life right now. Life is can find it in books, in pictures, belong everywhere!

"If personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures, then there was something gorgeous about him, some heightened sensitivity to the promises of life, as if he were related to one of those intricate machines that register earthquakes ten thousand miles away." p. 2

"Yet high over the city our life of yellow windows must have contributed their share of human secrecy to the causal watcher in the darkening streets, and I was him too, looking up and wondering. I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life." p.44

"He smiled understandingly, - much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced - or seemed to face - the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just so far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that at your best, you hoped to convey. Precisely at that point it vanished - and I was looking at an elegant young rough-neck, a year or two over thirty, whose elaborate formality of speech just missed being absurd." p.53-54, this was the first description of gatsby.

"And I like large parties. They're so intimate. At small parties, there isn't any privacy". Jordan Baker says to Nick.

"At the enchanted metropolitan twilight I felt a haunting loneliness sometimes, and felt it in others - poor young clerks who loitered in front of windows waiting until it was time for a solitary restaurant dinner - young clerks in the dusk, wasting the most poignant moments of night and life." p.60

"Americans, while occasionally willing to be serfs, have always been obstinate about being peasantry." p.84

"No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart."p.90

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther...And one fine morning - So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." End

Bits and pieces...

"Curly hair, dark skin,
sweet smile,
eyes that happiness bring.

You wear your white shirt,
you put your shoes on,
you walk and tread on and on,
in life and in road,
you are always fierce, in each one."

"Let the flowers bloom
the wind blow,
the clouds move and the sorrow go.
Let everything pass you by,
let your soul breathe,
let your mind relax,
let your world heal."

Thursday, 25 March 2010

I had a wonderful dinner at The Keg tonight. I had a t-bone steak accompanied by so-so salad, great Bogle Zinfandel wine and the best company a girl can want, a friend who makes me feel wonderful and loved. 

Lately, I have been absent, I know. But forgive me, inexistent readers, I have been too busy living. I have been busy working 12 hrs everyday, partying, working, partying, get the drift. I have been good, but I have been bad more. I have started living my own story of Anais Nin, a complicated woman of the 1930s who doesn't know what she wants so she tries everything and gets scarred by it. This is me, the quintessential adventurer of feelings and things and people. I love experiencing everything...but it causes trouble.

And I end up bruised, but full of beautiful markings left by the experiences...

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

"Don't you love storms?" - she asked. "Aren't they the most amazing, beautiful thing you can witness? So full of power, intensity, fear, passion....they are like love!"

"They are like you..." - he answered.

Don't you love storms, dear inexistent readers? Don't you love in all its power, intensity, fear, passion and disillusionment?

Don't you love?

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

New Beginnings?!

Hello Inexistent readers,

Have you missed me? It's been a long time since you last did not read me, about a month I think. Well, the news is am currently sitting in the front seat at the top of  a double-decker traveling back from Montreal to Toronto. Just finished my two-day affair at meeting my ex and am excited and sad to leave him behind, especially after all the hot sex. I find it incredibly invigorating to have goodbye sex. Would you not agree? It makes one feel better about breaking up...almost! Of course, if you truly love the person, it makes you want to kill yourself but don't worry, that is not my case.

I do love him and I will miss him, but I don't think that I truly love him, otherwise we would not have broken up. Life is a funny thing, it always gives you what you don't want and almost never what you want and if you do get what you want, you get it either at the most inopportune time or in a very twisted way. When I broke up with my first love, the guy before my ex now, I prayed to God to fall in love with a man who was handsome, kind, treated me incredibly well and loved me beyond anything. I got all of those, except, almost none of those. What do I mean? I mean that I did get a handsome man, but not as handsome as I wanted, he had a bit of a tummy. I got a guy who is kind, but only to certain people and only to animals, he was not kind overall. I got a man who treated me well, but only in front of others, superficially, never really gave me any passionate love, basically did not give me what I wanted. And also, I did get a man who loved me beyond anything, at least according to him, but it was not the love I wanted nor needed. I am confused...what is the lesson here? Be careful what you pray for?

I am once again starting a new adventure, starting fresh, albeit with new scars but open-hearted and closed-minded. I have become very judgemental of everything, almost cynical but very open to having fun and enjoying beautiful things, whether they be people, experiences, or things. I feel new and fresh and although I do hurt everyday over the loss and failure of my previous love/relationship, hope and new love horizons, keep me invigorated and insatiable for more...

I know I have battles to win and they are happening right now, but the progress I have made so far is giving me strength and hope and faith that I will succeed.
Although am lost at the moment professionally and emotionally, I feel that everything will be ok with hard-work and experiments. I might take a writing class, maybe apply for some kind of journalism grad school or maybe even volunteer for something related to it. The good thing is that am trying, am crawling and soon I will be walking. Small steps will get me there and although my impatience always gets the better of me and is often the cause of my failures/mistakes, I find that even in this case, it will not hinder my success that much.

Dear inexistent readers, what do you make of this post? Do what you want with it, I just hope you use it for good and positive feeling, just like I am right now...

Friday, 8 January 2010

Do you know what we live for?

We live for the delicious taste
of a medium-rare steak,
for the sweet tang of wine,
for the laughter we experience
when we hear a good joke,
for a touch,
for a look,
for a beautiful sunrise
after a long night,
for all those moments
that take our breath away.

We live our whole lives
in the hope of having a few magical minutes...

Saturday, 2 January 2010

I find in dark times, we need some good music, infinite supply of coffee/beer/wine/etc and a friend who you can rely to bother him/her at the oddest hours of the day, calling frequently to share the immediately impulsive, stupidest things in your mind that are incredibly trivial to the person you are sharing them with, but insanely important to you at that moment. You also need a comfy bed since you will be spending quite a bit of time there, preferably a laptop to research sappy songs, stalk your ex, read love articles, blogs, writing atrocities on facebook, stalking your ex some more and enjoying some movies. This process does not have a defined time limit, it depends on the person on how long it will last and it also depends on the person on the order of how things will get done during the process.

At the end of this journey, the person needs to finish with a long shower to take away the grime of procrastination/self-deprecation/hibernation and end up with getting dressed nicely and going out for a drink with friends.

The process might be a recurred theme for some, but it will disappear once the hangover of failed relationship is gone or when new romance is in sight.

For those with different steps in the process of getting over someone, please notify me of some interesting/weird/funny/crazy ones. Am all ears for anything new....

Friday, 1 January 2010

Happy 2010!

Dear inexistent readers,

I want to wish all of you Happy New Year. May this be the beginning of new beautiful endeavors, challenges and journeys to achieving your dreams and your happiness.

May you all also be spared my new year's eve, a day of total ignoring from my bf who is now my ex-bf. May you all have someone to kiss at the moment the clock strikes 12, may you all be partying instead of working and may you all have wonderful friends to celebrate the bitterness of life and make it all better, just like I did.

I am heartbroken at the moment, but strangely comforted by the hope of new beginnings. I find that this was a very auspicious incident and that it is all for the best. I promise to write more frequently and you must forgive my absence lately, due to heavy partying.

I wish you all the best and may we all feel better this year than last...