Saturday 31 March 2012

My MDMA night...



I took the half pill and washed it down with some cheap lemonade, hoping the bitter taste would not hit me. The pill refused to go down so I had to drink some more. I took another chug, and another and then...looked at him, as if waiting for instructions for what to do next. He said - "Wait 30min and then it will hit you!". I said ok and began waiting, meanwhile looking at him. I moved from the chair, I went to the window and looked outside at the foggy view of skyscrapers all around, at the lights shining hazily and the clouds brushing the top of the BMO building. I waited some more and decided to take a picture of what I was seeing; I wanted a preview of my before so I could compare it to the after...

We talked about the filters I could use in showcasing my picture and waited a few more minutes. We kissed, we talked, we lied on the bed and we discussed when it would hit us and while I was on top of him, it hit me. It began as a haze, as a dizzy feeling, as a nauseous feeling, my head heavy with clouds, my pupils dilated and wide-open, my mouth dry, my feelings heightened. We decided to go for a walk, to clear our heads, straighten our walks, air up our lungs with the sweet smoke of a joint. I walked in zig zags as coming out from the elevator and felt light-headed, pupils dilated, breathed heavily and continued to walk straight in the lobby full of party people coming back from the clubs. It was 2:15am and we were outside on the cold, walking the street beside the hotel, looking for a spot to smoke our joint, clear our heads, enjoy our high. We found a stranger, borrowed the lighter and lit up our joint. We were feeling it, we were welcoming it, enjoying it. He was worried for me, but I brushed off the nonsense by saying I was all good. I looked at the man who was to be my lover and thought life was wonderful. Not because of him but because of the feeling the pill offered. I felt excited, sad, happy, melancholic, hyper all at once. For a brief moment I thought of the man I once loved, but brushed the thought away. I focused on the face in front of me, dark eyes with big eyelashes, like those of a girl. We went upstairs, brushed our teeth, washed our hands and we began what we came there to do. I was on top of him, the pill hitting me in waves, waves of different mixes of emotions. I kissed him wondering what he was thinking, feeling...felt myself leaving my body and heard myself talk...but only as a third person. I felt weird, afraid, beautifully lost in a tornado of emotions, images, memories; everything all at once. Ah, what exchange of bodies! It made me weird...or did it? Who knows...but perhaps him?

I just spent the night with the man who has been trying to "court" me for the past four months and now that I gave him all I got, I feel not wanted anymore. I analyze the male-female relationships in this city and cannot help but have a bitter taste in my mouth. It is all rotten, all rotten this business of getting to know or date somebody in this city. Why are people so quick to judge, so slow to open? I feel drained, misused, misunderstood, always the same chain of events...

The more time passes, the more love seems like an illusion; a beautiful, elusive illusion. When will I meet someone who is not afraid to share who they are? Perhaps it is me who is the weird one...but who knows when it comes to romantic dealings? We all feel inadequate somehow, always overly criticizing ourselves or justifying our behaviour. I want some peace, I want a heart of stone, I want and want and want...and always seem not to get. But I do get...just not what I need.