Tuesday, 2 February 2010
Hello Inexistent readers,
Have you missed me? It's been a long time since you last did not read me, about a month I think. Well, the news is am currently sitting in the front seat at the top of a double-decker traveling back from Montreal to Toronto. Just finished my two-day affair at meeting my ex and am excited and sad to leave him behind, especially after all the hot sex. I find it incredibly invigorating to have goodbye sex. Would you not agree? It makes one feel better about breaking up...almost! Of course, if you truly love the person, it makes you want to kill yourself but don't worry, that is not my case.
I do love him and I will miss him, but I don't think that I truly love him, otherwise we would not have broken up. Life is a funny thing, it always gives you what you don't want and almost never what you want and if you do get what you want, you get it either at the most inopportune time or in a very twisted way. When I broke up with my first love, the guy before my ex now, I prayed to God to fall in love with a man who was handsome, kind, treated me incredibly well and loved me beyond anything. I got all of those, except, almost none of those. What do I mean? I mean that I did get a handsome man, but not as handsome as I wanted, he had a bit of a tummy. I got a guy who is kind, but only to certain people and only to animals, he was not kind overall. I got a man who treated me well, but only in front of others, superficially, never really gave me any passionate love, basically did not give me what I wanted. And also, I did get a man who loved me beyond anything, at least according to him, but it was not the love I wanted nor needed. I am confused...what is the lesson here? Be careful what you pray for?
I am once again starting a new adventure, starting fresh, albeit with new scars but open-hearted and closed-minded. I have become very judgemental of everything, almost cynical but very open to having fun and enjoying beautiful things, whether they be people, experiences, or things. I feel new and fresh and although I do hurt everyday over the loss and failure of my previous love/relationship, hope and new love horizons, keep me invigorated and insatiable for more...
I know I have battles to win and they are happening right now, but the progress I have made so far is giving me strength and hope and faith that I will succeed.
Although am lost at the moment professionally and emotionally, I feel that everything will be ok with hard-work and experiments. I might take a writing class, maybe apply for some kind of journalism grad school or maybe even volunteer for something related to it. The good thing is that am trying, am crawling and soon I will be walking. Small steps will get me there and although my impatience always gets the better of me and is often the cause of my failures/mistakes, I find that even in this case, it will not hinder my success that much.
Dear inexistent readers, what do you make of this post? Do what you want with it, I just hope you use it for good and positive feeling, just like I am right now...