Thursday, 30 December 2010

Madeleine Peyroux - This is Heaven to Me

I am at work. I am feeling very sick, I think that stupid subway sandwich poisoned me or maybe the indian guy who prepared it, not sure, just angry at the moment. Am also half-high, took a strong advil, am not sure how am writing, fingers move by themselves. Am in my little cubicle, listening to the soft, soothing sounds of Madeleine Peyroux and am wishing, feeling, imagining green fields, blue skies, flowers, the sound of leaves lulling me to sleep, the moisture of grass refreshing in different world. All due to music...what a power!

Friday, 24 December 2010

Hey new year...

So, I dedicate this post to new year (kind of too early, but am guessing that with Christmas eve approaching and the pagan celebration of winter solstice, it is kind of a new year threshold) and my wishes.

I want an apartment to myself with lots of light. Am not wishing anything major here, just my own space where I can do whatever I want, decorate it whichever way I want, put my artwork up, listen to music out loud, dance like crazy, try and fail to do yoga, another try and fail with exercise and of course, have my friends over whenever I like (maybe future lovers, when am ready).

I want freedom! I want financial freedom. I want to be able to have control over everything that surrounds my life and no longer have to deal with other people's messes, dinner, whatever. Am too tired of living with others. I want my own space and time and just the fucking chance to breathe and live the way I want.

That's it. Thank you God and Santa for giving me a little bit of the rest of things I wanted this year, but this is what I want for next. Of course, please pay attention also to my list of material things which I think would definitely automatically take care of a few of the things in the emotional list as well.

Thank you and good night!

Christmas eve...

It is 10:27pm, christmas eve. I am still upset and nursing my hurt heart, my buzzing headache from drinking too much today with people from work on an empty stomach, and yet...I discover a blog and surprisingly, I feel a bit better, more hopeful. I read and read and read and the hours pass by. This is how I waste my time...reading other people's thoughts and wishing theirs were mine, their lives were mine, a constant roll of envy. Yes, that's me, envy queen. Maybe I shouldn't use envy, it has such a negative connotation. I should just say that I am not happy with what I got (never been, really) and that only lately, I have started getting more comfortable in my skin. The funny thing is that I can play the part of the very strong, very confident woman very well. I would get an oscar, that's for sure. I always seem to know it all, have it all, but it is far from the truth. If only people knew my daily life and my...anyway, I will keep that in my mysterious corner of a shadow.

I think I am ready to move on....I think I will stop loving Dhary from today on (I don't expect it to happen overnight, but gradually, it will fade) and that from now on, I think I will stop being so self-conscious about everything and be more open about my life. I will put more pics of me (or maybe sketches, not sure yet) and I will try to write more....I said try, most probably won't happen, as usual. I am very good at planning and envisioning the right things to do, but putting them to action, that is another matter.

Meanwhile, let me share some happy images and material wishes (it is christmas, after all...the holiday of holidays for materialism).

Maybe Santa will be nice to me for once ;)

Moccasins anyone?

Random, huh? But wait, am not done. I think I will just continue listing what I want for the new year...or maybe I should say that on new year's eve? But no, I will be too busy partying most probably (at least I hope so, something needs to go right this holiday season even though it is soooo much better than last) so I think maybe I will list them here. But since this post is getting too long, I will just have to write another one ;)

Fucked UP Christmas....yet again!

I am fucking mad, beyond mad...but even more hurt than mad. Today is the 24th, feeling a bit better than I did last year around this same time and then the bomb comes, an email with hurtful words and even more hurtful statements. After one year of having moved out and not picked up my stuff, he has donated them to salvation army. How could you do that? How can you send me that hateful email and do those hateful things when all I have been thinking this whole week is how much I miss you and just how much I still love you?

 Im so fucking hurt....yet another fucked up christmas, as usual. Story of my fucking life.

Am glad that nobody is here at 8:43am at work cause im fucking crying like an idiot and it is all your fault. How I wish I didn't have a heart, how I wish I wasn't such a fucking idiot, how I wish I hadn't loved, I take that back, I would never wish that, I'm glad I loved you. I just wish I was a different person so I could deal with things differently, be stronger, smarter....but I am too fucked up to be happy. I deserve my misery, I bring it onto myself.

So, merry christmas to you too Dhary, and thanks for breaking my heart again, on christmas, one year later.

Hateful love,


Thursday, 16 December 2010

Wish List

What is on your wish list? Do you have one? I have never really had a wish list...never was that organized. However, I do know that if i were to list my wishes, they would be quite long and they would be divided into material and emotional wishes. The material one would be quite long, the emotional, maybe a bit shorter (maybe!), but both, pretty long. I have a lot to wish this year but also a lot to be thankful for. Where did this year run to? I feel like it was only yesterday that I was here writing about Christmas and its depressing mood. This year, it is much better, thank you. Now I am employed by a consulting firm that has offices all over the world (Middle East, here I come!), I still am pretty bad in finances but doing much better, at least a buck for a coffee I got...Also, this year, although I don't have someone that loves me, I also don't have someone to hurt me. I have friends, I am moving out (yesssss!!!) and all in all, am full in hope. So now that I think about it, maybe my material list is way longer than my emotional one :)

If you are feeling generous this season and would like to sponsor my happiness in procuring me with the below items, please feel free to do so. I welcome it, as usual!

Pedro Almodovar: Pedro Classics Collection        

I want them so badly. The first one is cashmere and I can dream about being wrapped up in it, feel the warmth of its softness and colours...

Now that everyone is emulating the hippie/cool/vintage/booknerd girl, how will we tell apart the fake from the real? Damn it, it is starting to become nauseating all this same "quirkiness" and "eccentric" fashion.

Who is seriously in love with all these vintage-y stuff or is it just for show? Or do we all just have a superficial fascination with it? What is going on? All you "fashionistas" out there, answer me. Is your interest only in clothes? Or are you all really as deep as you portray yourselves to be? I think I am just wishing to be the only who is too afraid to have you like the same things as me because then...what will be special about me???

I was touched...

This was dedicated to me today. I was touched beyond words. It made me cry. It made me smile. It made me feel special. It made me feel loved and appreciated for the first time by a friend. I felt almost wholesome. I want more....

Lovely, lovable, and insanely magical YOU!

by ELa Kaca on Wednesday, December 15, 2010 at 11:52pm
I was thinking if it is possible that with a handful of words, to tell someone that you really appreciate, how amazing they are. The light bulb in my head lit, and I decided to write this for you.

If there is anyone, who I can talk to for hours, while drinking wine, sitting in two different ends of a couch, smoking insanely much, and covered in a cozy blanket in mid January, that is you. There is no conversation that you do not have an argument for, and a sound argument that is, that does blow everyone’s mind away… I am proud to introduce you to my friends, and show off with you, why not? You are beautiful, with those deep brown eyes that shine even in the middle of a sunny day. And you look like Amelie, or rather, she looks like you. You appreciate art, and have introduced me to the best music video, with which I have started an everlasting relationship ever since. You have read some of my favorite authors, and aim to read much more. You work so hard, and succeed all the time. You are caring, loving, and lovable. If you can make me fall in love with you, so genuinely in love, than you can do just about everything. I am so proud that you are my friend, and we will be, till ‘death sets us apart’. I love you, so very much!


"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

- Anais Nin