Monday, 16 August 2010

No Man's Land in Break Up War

I gave the last kiss on the cheek, hugged her hard and wished her all the best. This was my goodbye for a while to my brother's girlfriend who had become my best friend and almost like the sister that I never had.
Eight days ago, she sent me a message telling me that they had broken up and I never fully realized just how much impact this would have on my brother and consequently, on me.

Due to their constant fighting and my brother's immature personality, I assumed that this would be what he wanted and that he would not suffer that much. But I was foolish and insensitive and a horrible sister, one who did not truly know her brother. This past weekend, I realized just how broken he was and how oblivious I had been to his pain, his emotions; to him in general.

The first panicked cries, broken breaths and big fat tears started last friday, when he came to me in the morning and demanded that we talk and within two minutes, while telling me how fucked up my life was and how many problems I had, he began sobbing. I am cruel and hate men that cry, or cry-babies in general; am too emotional and fragile myself to deal with other people's tears so I became mad at him and yelled at him for diverting his problems into mine. After hours of discussion into why we are so fucked up as a family and why I should stop hanging out with his girlfriend and his friends who have become mine, I finally lost my patience and just blew up on him. I had been patient with his constant outbursts of emotions, snappiness and meanness for the past two months and decided to tell him that he was horrible and that no other person makes me lose my mind like he does and that I was embarrassed and ashamed to be his sister lately. I did not realize the power of my words.

We decide to leave for our (his) friend's birthday party at the cottage in Wasaga and all this time I am telling him to stay because she will be there and that if he is in such a bad mood, he should just stay home instead of making everybody's else time miserable. After snapping at me for being so incredibly obnoxious into thinking that I could go to his friend's cottage and not him, we decided to leave and arrived there quite late at night.
The whole night was spent partying, drinking, mostly getting most university kids nowadays do, which most of the group were (it's part of the reason I like to hang out with them, it makes me feel like I'm still at school). He was always by himself, in a couple of instances he yelled at the guys, yelled at his ex but mostly kept to himself. Everybody noticed because this is not how he usually is, he is always the life of the party, the one everybody wants to hang out with or talk. At this night (on a friday), at the washroom of the cottage, 4-5 guys of the party constantly went to the washroom to consume cocaine, which was a pretty big thing since this was an entirely Albanian group and these are all good kids whose only rebellious part is smoking weed. This consumption of cocaine prompted my brother to believe (in his unstable state of emotions and mind) that his sister would not be safe and that would want to be part of it and since he is Albanian, even though he did not want to be there and would much prefer to go home (which he should have done), decided to stay to make sure that he could protect me or that I will behave well. It did not matter that I am five years older than him or that these are all younger people than me who would never even dare to suggest anything insulting, let alone be in any danger with them.

But I digress, forgive me. The point of this post is that amidst their break up, I had gotten so deep that I was in no man's land in their break-up war. I did not know who to support and who to stay with and who to talk to and what to talk about and what to do. Should I have spent more time with my brother instead of drinking beer, getting high and joking with the boys? For sure! Should I have spent more time with my best friend and consoling her? For sure, too! The thing is, family comes first and I was stuck in the middle of my morals and integrity and I felt bad choosing one or the other, but norms dictate that family comes first and for this, I feel guilty for not supporting my brother.

The thing is, now, at this moment in time that am writing this, after having talked for two hours with my friend (his ex), have come to the realization that when it comes to family, nothing comes first. The trick is making the choice not so obvious that the person involved gets offended or upset or feels betrayed. The good thing about my situation is that my friend which in this case turns out to be my brother's ex, is such a good girl that she is the one who made my decision better and told me to support my brother and stop hanging out with her for awhile. The goodness of her heart and the integrity of her friendship facilitated me to make the right choice.

This is why when you are stuck in the middle of nowhere and you don't know which way to go, rely on your good morals and pray to be lucky to have some friendly sides for the fire might consume you and burn you in the end.

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