Sunday, 8 November 2009
Being an Albanian girl is tough
I spoke with my mother on the phone today and had a one hour conversation. She was talking, I was listening and saying constantly "Yes, yes" just to go along, but I must have wandered off for about 70% of the conversation. Every time I talk to her, it is the same sermon, the same goddamn essay on how I should increase my efforts in finding a job, make up my mind whether I am getting married to the man am with right now, start thinking of having kids, start being a good daughter and come back and support her.
I know, I make my mother sound like a conservative nut who is selfish and not at all tolerant, which she is exactly the opposite. My mother is the most tolerant, liberal, kindest, self-sacrificing, cleverest, most well-read and thoughtful Albanian woman/mother I have ever met. However, even though she is a great mother and a great human being, she drives me nuts. I love her, so much, she is my idol, and yet, my worst nightmare. I really do not want to get her nasty flaws and yet, I want her virtues.
When talking with her, I am constantly reminded of my ancestry: Albanian. Even the sound of that sounds ugly, disgusting to me. I have such a love-hate relationship with my country, my people, that it is a complex that comes, goes, grows, disappears and then comes back again and that I really don't know how to deal with. I find it hard to see what is so great about being Albanian. Most Albanians are so obnoxiously patriotic and I look at them as fools, idiots with stupid ideas that we come from a great country with a great history. Where is the goddamn history? What is so great about our history besides Skanderbeg? I think all of these and realize that I am bitter, I am horribly bitter and angry at my own people, my place of birth. I am angry for all the bad things I went through there, the stupid shit I have to go through with Albanians and the idiocy of my own selfish, immature, being of not recognizing the worth in being proud of where I come from.
I have the aforementioned feelings because being an Albanian girl means you have to be very careful in how you portray yourself with other Albanians, they are very quick to judge you and not in a good way (if you are a girl, that is). Being an Albanian girl means that you cannot say you have a boyfriend, regardless of your age. Well, I think that is changing nowadays but the majority still looks down upon it, especially some parts of my extended family, the backwards ones coming from the villages (bah, how i hate them).
Being an Albanian girl means that you cannot do certain things, like travel alone, or go to clubs, or whatever other liberal shit that most girls are allowed to do. The thing is, being an Albanian girl has its ups and downs, you get the support of everyone in your family (even your most remote cousins) but at the same time, you are bound to their judgements of you.
I think ultimately, being a girl or a boy or whatever, it is definitely influenced by the satellites in your life, but they are not the ones that should define you. You should define yourself through the actions of your choosing. This is the ideal, but not the reality.
In reality, a person does not have much choice since the pressure from left, right, above or below is just too great to do anything that has to do with free will.