Friday, 18 December 2009

Christmas Blues

The doors opened and the crowd launched and dispersed upon Don Mills station as flies released from a bottled up jar, all making noise and running towards one place, the bus stops. No one stopped to listen to the drunk guy playing Jingle Bells on his guitar beautifully. Am not sure how many even had a thought of giving him money.
As I was passing him by, being just another fly amongst the flies and rushing to get home myself, I was wondering how many people are going through Christmas as to what am going through. How many people do not even have money to buy Christmas gifts for their family members this season? How many of them are in such a dire financial situation that they pass by a homeless person and cannot even give them a quarter because they need to save it for themselves? I was having a conversation with myself as to how giving a person should be when you do not have yourself any to give. They say Christmas is the season of giving, but how many of us do? I wonder how many of us are heartless in our own tragedies...

After my fourth day at work today, as I was emerging from the subway doors and running towards the bus, I saw the nicely dressed young girls of my age and felt envious. I felt envious for their nice clothes, their supposedly good jobs, their good boyfriends, their good families, their good life. All of this passed before my eyes in succession and with each image, the images of my own life were juxtaposed perfectly to showcase my loserness even more and instill bits of sharp pain. I felt detached from the proud, useful, working part of society that is linked to those young, nicely-dressed girls, but felt something else as well as I saw the rest of the people who seemed just as tired, just as badly dressed as I was.

I was thinking to myself that in the midst of that crowd, I found myself again part of the masses, the working masses that run to work every morning and run home every evening. I am part of this useful part of society and it is the only thing that makes me feel good while am commuting one hour each way to reach work.

I am aware of my failures, I feel the pain of their presence every day, but am determined to not let it win over me, even though am afraid they might be winning the battle for now...

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