Sunday, 6 February 2011

Conversations with thyself.

Dear soul,

I would like to ask you, when did you become so cynical? Why are you always so tormented? It seems to me (your alter ego) that you like pain a bit too much, you enjoy melodrama a bit too often and you seem a bit hypocritical as well. What's up with this constant victimization of yourself? What's up with this addiction of always feeling sorry for yourself? It seems to me that quite a few people give you compliments, think you're pretty cool, in fact, a bunch of them say that you are one of the most amazing people they have ever met and yet, this doesn't seem to satisfy you. What's wrong with you, soul? What is this void that seems to be within you? I would like to understand you better, especially since your actions and behaviour directly affect me, your alter ego. I would like to understand you so I can properly correct you so I can be a bit happy too.

You seem to seek superficial happiness, fleeting moments of awesomeness that momentarily fill your void and just as quickly, disappear. A lot of times, I am almost convinced that you might suffer from multiple personality disorder, but since I am your twin in the sense of always accompanying you wherever you go, I know fully well that your emotional disorder or instability stems from your lack of self-worth and the many incidents that have weakened it. I know you feel bad for yourself soul, I know you act as if you're happy but you are deeply depressed, I know you have a fucked up situation soul, but who doesn't? Why is it so hard for you to see and accept that? Have you ever thought about how bad others might have it? But of course you have, I know you have, I was there when countless of people have told you the same cliche line and I know you are tired of hearing it, I know all you think about when they say that to you is that why the fuck can't I have it well like others? I know soul, I know how you feel for I feel it, too. I know that you are frustrated with your emotional state, with your reality and I also know you try hard to make it better, you analyze yourself to oblivion (myself included), you try to ignore it, you try to do things that could make it better, but I also see your failure soul.

I see it for we are both responsible for it. I see you ignoring the pain, ignoring your problems, focusing on the getting drunk and meeting new people, trying to get people to love you and never really achieving it, constantly looking for love and never really finding it, I see it all soul. I see your struggles, I see your achievements, I see your lucid moments and your dark abyss ones. I am there with you, soul....I am having this conversation with you because my lucid moment right now is in realizing that when you got no one else there for you, don't forget that it is you, myself and I....yes, I is in the equation too, but we don't listen to her very often for she is the superego, a bit too boring for us right now. But rest assured soul, you are the amalgamation of everything you need and for that....don't feel alone for I am here too so don't take all the blame for the way you feel.

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