Monday, 3 September 2012

Little girl, big girl complex.

I stumbled upon a cutesy, seemingly cheesy teenager movie while I was on youtube today and feeling in a girly mood, I decided to watch it. Surprisingly, the movie was cute, well-written and with some marvelous performances from its young actors. But one thing kept kind of pinching me throughout the whole movie...the realization that not much has changed for me in terms of inner behaviour. I seem to be experiencing my teenage years in my 20s because when I was in my teens, I was too busy trying to act like I was in my 20s. And so, here I am, regressing and digressing about regressing. The main thing I was trying to say is that I am still like a fact, I feel like now more than ever, I am a teenager. I want cutesy things, am completely lost as to who I am or who I want to be, I seem to constantly be angry and yelling at my parents and I cannot hold a boy for the life of me. I also seem to have many friends but no real perhaps, unlike the standard teenager movie where a girl apparently has three best friends, I don't even have one...well, kind of a half one. But she is more of once-a-year-when-i-have-a-problem kind of best friend, you know, the kind that you end going to only when you have a major crisis or they do.

Anyway, I must admit that the channels of life as a woman approaching 30 are goddamn tricky and fuck me, fucking strong currents in some cases. Like for example, the channels of finding a job, pretty strong to navigate. The channels of finding love, pretty fucking shallow and rocky. The channels of figuring out what you want, pretty deep and dark. The channels of avoiding marriage talk by parents and cousins and friends of parents and other people who are and the rest of your engaged or married friends; pretty fucking murky and full of unwanted dirt.

Basically, being a woman nowadays is a fucking blast...but a constant pressure to be perfect. It is no longer necessary to just be beautiful, one must be good at just about everything to even attract a semi-decent dude nowadays 'cause let's face it, we wall want someone better than us, right? So if I'm a loser, who the fuck will want me? Oh wait, a properly equal loser...wrong!! Even a loser doesn't want a loser. You need to get your shit together so others can notice. Yeah, that's right, this post is bitingly rancid, just like my life and me....Nah, I love writing rancid, I seem to be best at it. But who is entertained by happy, seriously? I kind of get turned on by my own emo-state sometimes, my darkness inside, my edgy sarcasm, my prejudiced observations and my shockingly honest humour. If only I could translate these into something financial-worthy or love-worthy, I would be golden. Where can I find someone to pay me to be starkly honest and brilliantly bitchy all the time? God, it feels good!!! I want to write my own bad-ass character so I can play it and enjoy living it. Hmmm, I will spend some time character-creating.

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