Today is tuesday, a very rainy day with strong winds. Poland is playing Russia in Euro 2012 right now, and my brothers are discussing which movie to see for movie tuesday; you know, the half-price day at cinemas in Toronto. I, on the other hand, am talking with an old online friend, trying to get him to say more than two words to me. I realize that those two words he says, are realistic enough to shut me up and make me think about me and about my life. Inexistent reader, what's your life like? Do you have mistakes you linger on? Regrets you secretly and perversely play back in your mind? Dreams you talk about but you let rust in your drawer of "not good enough, not possible"? Lovers you are too afraid to sleep with? Friends you keep just to not feel lonely, even though you know they don't like you? Jobs you know you could get but you don't apply to just because you are lazy? Do you watch sunsets and feel some of the sadness thawing inside of you? Do you engage in conversation and lose yourself in thought? Do you, inexistent reader, feel that you live? I feel that I live, but I don't live successfully. What do I mean by that? I don't know, ask the capitalist society!
3 comments:
Hi I.,
I think I might know why your letter did not go through. Did you happen to send it to inexistentreader@gmail.com? I think maybe that e-mail address does not exist. Mine is nonexistentreader at gmail dot com. Try again?
I have to apologize. It would seem the age of information has its drawbacks. There's so much of it. So many neighbourhoods to stop by on the net. Obscure corners to check out everywhere. It's a big world in here. You can get lost travelling, and you forget where you've been, who you've met.
And it's a big world out there too. Life, yeah? So many things to do, so little time. So, you know, I forgot to visit. I do that.
Why don't I answer some of your questions? I will begin with your second one, and take it from there, hoping that my answers to your subsequent questions will build an image that will go some way toward answering your first.
2. Do you have mistakes you linger on?
Are you asking the same thing as in question #3 here? Or are you asking if I have mistakes I keep on making? I'm going to assume the latter. In which case I have to say, that is a difficult question. Mistakes are recognized so much more clearly in hindsight. So, I'm sure I'm currently engaged in ongoing mistakes. I just can't think of any at the moment. And I don't want to think that hard on it.
3. Regrets you secretly and perversely play back in your mind?
I do. Who doesn't? Seriously. Show me a person with no regrets, and I'll show you a sociopath. But, perversely playing them back? I've done it before. I don't bother with regret so much these days. There was a shift at some point -- although I couldn't tell you when that was exactly -- but some time after it I realized that something had changed. I noticed I wasn't spending as much time wallowing within the confines of misery. And I felt better. I felt like I was a part of the world. Like maybe what really mattered was not just what was inside my own mind, but how it interacted with the world out there. And I realized the pleasure in living in the present and glancing every once in a while toward the future. The pleasure of momentum. I have regrets, sure. I carry them with me. I just don't feel like I'm crumbling under their weight anymore.
4. Dreams you talk about but you let rust in your drawer of "not good enough, not possible"?
Yes. Of course. I've always wanted to travel to other planets. Still keeping my fingers crossed on that one. They're starting to cramp up.
5. Lovers you are too afraid to sleep with?
They wouldn't really be lovers then, would they? I would have to answer your question in the negative. I have taken on a lover of late, and... yeah... She's my valentine.
6. Friends you keep just to not feel lonely, even though you know they don't like you?
Yes. I don't like them either. But maybe that's not a prerequisite for friendship. I don't know. We've tried to get rid of each other many times, but we keep meeting again. I'll let you figure out the implications of that one.
7. Jobs you know you could get but you don't apply to just because you are lazy?
Yes. But I'm working harder these days. I'm just getting to an age where it's becoming more and more clear that the lazier I am now, the less comfortable I'll be when I'm older. I'd like to be comfortable when I'm older.
8. Do you watch sunsets and feel some of the sadness thawing inside of you?
I think the last time I saw a sunset was just over a month ago. It was beautiful, vermilion. I stared off into the distance for a long time, and the walk home after was so calm and serene. I felt light and at one with the world. Must catch more sunsets.
9. Do you engage in conversation and lose yourself in thought?
Only with the friends I mentioned above. If they can talk at tedious length about inane, incorrect, or idiotic things, I reserve the right to tune them out and think about more interesting stuff.
10. Do you, inexistent reader, feel that you live?
Cogito, ergo sum. And my nickname is Nonexistent Reader. Drop me a line.
11. I feel that I live, but I don't live successfully. What do I mean by that?
Fuck all that noise. Remember: every moment that disappears into the past is yours and yours alone. Every moment that passes is one less moment. You only have so many moments. Do you really want to waste them worrying about not living successfully? Develop your own standards. Work little by little to satisfy them. It'll take a long time, but you'll feel accomplished at different milestones along the way. That is how to live a good life. At least that's what I'm doing with my moments.
You are amazing, nonexistent reader. Thank you for the beautiful analysis or answers to my questions. I will most certainly write to you. And do not worry, we all get lost in the infinite neighbourhoods of the internet.
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