Titleless in Toronto

Letter

2012-01-19T13:00:00.002-05:00

I wrote a letter to my inexistent reader today...but it didn't go through.
So I am posting it here. What do you say?

""To be honest, am not sure why am writing to you. Perhaps because I feel so lonely and lost at this moment, or perhaps today feels like one of those days where a person is slapped hard into reality. Why is life such a lonely world for those that think too much, analyze too much?

I am not sure how your life is but here, in this big, vast, multicultural city, I find beauty everywhere. Yet, I cannot seem to find peace, nor love, nor fulfillment. I spoke with a colleague of mine yesterday for close to an hr and she is big on spirituality so her words about feeding the soul with silence and contemplation resound so loudly within me today. I have lost myself in the sea of people, in the chaos of forming relationships, twisting them, arranging them, manipulating them and ultimately, losing most of them. Nothing lasts here. Everything is disposable. Everything has become a cliche. All morals and beautiful truisms of life are plastered everywhere and preached by everyone but I am not sure just how many practice what they preach...

They speak to me about love, forgiveness and beauty in small things. But I haven't seen a single person to stop and smell the rose (which I do), nor a person speak the truth about cultural realities or emotional disarrays. Life here is a beautiful jungle, made up of inconsistent concrete, a mish-mash of people, a mosaic of cultures and a hidden iciness of loneliness. Politeness is ubiquitous and yet cruelty, seems its constant companion too. Niceness and kindness is only on the surface and so is their pseudo-sensitivism.

Anyway....am not sure what else to say, my inexistent reader. Share...I like reading your beautifully woven words. And yes, I equally would like to have a pen-pal. There's something therapeutic about it, I think.""

Ah...she!

2012-01-11T16:48:00.000-05:00

I found her scattered amongst her ruins.
Her photographs all around her.
Her clothes lying helpless on the floor beside her.
Her old records playing whiny sounds just for her.
Her lovers in her mind, vividly and quietly tormenting her.

I lost her all around me.
She moves swiftly like the wind,
an impermeable light that I can't seem to grasp.
She's impulsive,
flickering like a candle light,
but I know she can be a rock of love and support,
when she is not in flight.

I want her.
I want to be her.
I want to engulf her.
I want to gorge her psyche and dissect her.

She is an incorrigible sentimentalist.
Won't let me do what I must.
I muster the strength to contain her,
but her energy dissipates through my fingers.
She is flimsy like a summer dress,
a light, a caress.

She is me. Or she is you...
One and all, love will come through.

Today....is slump day!

2011-12-14T16:29:00.002-05:00

The body is abused, very abused today. It is feeling the aftershocks of last night's consumption of four pints of beer, 6 shots of Jameson and no food in the stomach. The heart is doing much worse. Yes, this is a diary entry and a sappy one and I just do not know how else do we learn about things if not through experiences of our own? I'm a bit too self-consumed though. Anyway, let me finish about last night.

I went out. I finally convinced my two Albanian girlfriends to come out with me with the promise that I would hook them up with my new group of Canadian boys who have become my partners-in-party lately. One of them I met in a bar and became friends with the rest of his group, all boys. All Canadian boys....
Well, let me tell ya about Canadian boys. They are polite and politically correct, but only up till the moment they no longer need you. They are good friends, generally. They are good men, good bros, and perhaps good lovers. They could even be good boyfriends but obviously am generalizing...

I got drunk. Pretty drunk. Stupidly so, since I had not planned to be. But as usual, to quiet the screams of pain, I chugged and chugged beer. It sounds depressing and self-mutilating this behaviour, no? Well, let me tell ya, I have turned it into an art of socializing and so-called-living-the-life. I stumble into people violently, demand interesting conversation with my insightful and shameless questions, break open their shyness with distinct fervour for I want a human connection. I am not interested in anything but human connections.

This year has been my debauchery year. But debauchery is my means of humanist experimentalism, digging of human psyche, my own specifically.

I am the cosmos and the others are me. I feel all this while I am listening to live music in a bar full of people.

Lonely is today...but only today!

2011-12-14T10:24:00.000-05:00

"Holocene"

“Someway, baby, it’s part of me, apart from me.”
you’re laying waste to Halloween
you fucked it friend, it’s on it’s head, it struck the street
you’re in Milwaukee, off your feet

…and at once I knew I was not magnificent
strayed above the highway aisle
(jagged vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles

3rd and Lake it burnt away, the hallway
was where we learned to celebrate
automatic bought the years you’d talk for me
that night you played me ʻLip Paradeʼ
not the needle, nor the thread, the lost decree
saying nothing, that’s enough for me

…and at once I knew I was not magnificent
hulled far from the highway aisle
(jagged, vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles

Christmas night, it clutched the light, the hallow bright
above my brother, I and tangled spines
we smoked the screen to make it what it was to be
now to know it in my memory:

…and at once I knew I was not magnificent
high above the highway aisle
(jagged vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles

2011-12-08T16:54:00.001-05:00

I fell asleep and awoke to a passionate kiss. He took advantage of my trust and entered my consciousness as I lay sleeping. I welcomed it, embraced it, loved it, pushed it away. I wasn't going to allow him to touch me. No, no dear sir, you cannot go down there, nor can you go up there. Keep your hands to yourself but give me free reign to your lips.

I wanted it. And yet rejected it. Could not accept the offer, for I would have lost the game.
In the war between bodies, the woman is always walking on eggshells. She needs to keep her focus, her balance, watch her steps carefully or she could be lost and crush herself under her own steps.

And then we kissed...and I loved it. And we kissed some more, and my resolve began to melt. And then he touched me some more, and I almost conceded. But I did not give in. I did not give in to my own temptations, neither to those of my body, neither to those of my heart. I just simply enjoyed the cleansing and satisfying process of being thoroughly, beautifully, passionately kissed.

Ah, how I want him! Ah, how I wish I did not want him. What a tragic war of emotions, this spark, this game of who seems to care less...

2011-12-06T16:18:00.000-05:00

The countdown is on. Age 27 is already here and is no longer a number, but a state of mind; a culturally perceived last frontier of bachelorhood and more importantly, the first steps into old spinsterhood. Yes, yes....27 is too low a number to be saying these things, I know the North American cultural perception of this age. However, I am not North American (although have absorbed some its qualities) but a confused, deeply convoluted Albanian with a mix of values that seem to not know where they belong or where they would like to belong. At this current state, I am more of an amalgamation of compromised morals, muddled ideals, rejected and recycled superstitions and a new full set of decadent habits that I find incredibly essential to increasing my huma

nity and interestingness in life.

I am an odd one, inside of me. Outside, I seem a cheery, loving, party-animal babe that loves to flirt and make friends. I am the tactless jokes girl, full of life and energy. I am the speak-your-mind-first-think-later girl, the one with too many she's-ugly comments, the one with too much love for humans, too much tolerance, too much judgements, too much of everything. I am a mess of everything. And I am NOT the only one!

You are too, inexistent reader! We are all messes of everything, tangled balls of emotions, regrets, etc, etc, etc. Life is a string of etceteras.

Now go drink a delicious cold beer and don't pay any attention to my string of cliches.

2011-11-16T15:42:00.000-05:00

The leaves fall,
one by one,
sometimes two at once,
sometimes three or more.

The hole within me grows,
bit by bit;
sometimes two by two,
sometimes exponentially more.

He has forgotten me,
but I still have him,
inside of me,
inside this memory-ridden conscience.

There is darkness and light,
they fight.
They hate each other,
they love each other,
they're hateful lovers,
they play games under the covers.

I want one as I want the other.
One is always following me,
while the other constantly evades me.
Except for brief periods where it gently lets me capture her,
hold her and caress her,
feel her warmth while she fools me that it will last,
and then, she escapes just as swiftly.

I want her to stay,
but she is fleeting,
capricious like the wind,
transcendent like heaven.

Love, oh you cruel thing!
Your light torments me,
my desire of you consumes me,
my journey to you has exhausted me.

I want your shape to metamorphose,
for the love of a man I now oppose.
I want you to change your cape,
the love of career and money
I want to stake.

I hope our wishes will parallel one day,
for I am tired,
of this constant chase that to win, I pray.

2011-10-28T00:52:00.000-04:00

She smokes another cigarette...
Tells me Megan has bronchitis again.
I listen to her as I type...
Meanwhile, another smoke ring she lets out.

She buries the cigarette,
in the swampy graveyard of past-smoked moments.
Drowns it in the cup,
wishes another memory away...
I am beside her,
not knowing what to say...

"Sleep, oh sleep, where art thou?"
She asks.
I answer - "Not here, not now".

She laughs at me,
I laugh with her.
I hold her dear,
my best friend, my lover.

She abandons the chair
and walks towards the kitchen.
Drawn there,
by her periodic hormones kicking.

I watch her walk away towards her room,
watch the candlelight,
follow her in the gloom.

We talk nonsense through the darkness,
feel the hollowness,
make love to the shadows.

Hear me now, oh dear friend!
Here's another legend, to comprehend...

2011-10-23T00:28:00.002-04:00

As I lay....
she came to me.
Came to me like the white moonlight;
lulled me to sleep,
and awoke me to my dreams.

She tore off the head of my shyness,
broke off the limbs of my weakness,
set fire to my desires,
and clobbered my pseudo-nisms.

I was neither there, neither here.
I was perhaps a threshold of betweens.
I was enamoured with her sadism,
but fortunately,
she was more interested in my masochism.

I know she was and still is,
the light of day,
the dark of night.
I know she does not think of anything,
while I get ready to set flight,
to the dreams she instilled in me,
while the legacy she left roams free.
I find her everywhere,
but she does not want to find me....

Oh, fortune or misfortune,
whatever you may be called.
I summon thee to my soul,
so this frailty you can hold.
I crave your adventure,
your whips of experimentalisms,
your sounds of the present,
your slaps of futurisms.

I know she was cruel,
but her cruelty I needed.
She knew that toughness,
with sadness can be succeeded.
I cursed her many times,
but couldn't deny her force.
Her charms and tempations,
I needed them...
I needed them to be coarse.

I know she is everywhere,
I know she hides from me well.
If you know dear stranger,
where is she, praytell?

Nomadic Weekend

2011-10-18T09:45:00.000-04:00

I spent the weekend in one pair of clothes. I walked and walked and walked in the rain, in the cold. I was angry, at times entertained, at times amused, and other times...just plain old feeling of blah.

It was an interesting weekend. I pet beautiful dogs who were congregated in a corner at Trinity Park, impatiently awaiting their turn for their picture to be taken. Fido definitely knows how to get dogs come to them...especially when the reason is a casting call for their new commercial.

I drank a lot of coffee this weekend. Not enough alcohol. Surprisingly, first weekend where I am sober...and then monday comes and true to my late tradition, I get drunk. This time, I blame it on my date who kept on feeding me alcohol on an empty stomach...or do I blame myself for thirsting beer so much? No clue. No reason. Perhaps...just old simple thirst.

Have you ever been to Trinity Bellwoods Park in Toronto? Am sure not, inexistent reader. But here's a quiet introduction...

Wolf and I - Oh Land

2011-10-07T17:58:00.000-04:00

Before the world you know was like it is
I held a lover once and I was his
And we walked along the river in the sun
But he's a lonely man, so this was done
The only place we had to meet was night
While the sun he sleeps in shadows we can hide
On the mountainside we spent our time together
But it is gone when morning comes

And you are the wolf
And I am the moon
And in the endless sky we are but one
We are alive
In my dreams wolf and I

How many days and nights will come and go
While the only light you'll see is from my glow
There will never be a dawn that breaks the spell surrounding us
Til the earth dies with the sun

And you are the wolf
And I am the moon
And in the endless sky we are but one
We are alive
In my dreams wolf and I
(Repeat)

Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh (4x)
Aaah aaah aaah aaaah aaah (2x)

In the endless sky we are but one...

2011-10-06T17:19:00.000-04:00

I opened it,
cut it,
drew it,
then threw it.

You gave it,
sketched it,
handed it,
then broke it.

We exchanged it,
loved it,
cherished it,
stabbed it,
then discarded it.

Now..."it" wonders,
wanders,
and clobbers
its way out of existence.

Poor state of freedom,
love,
idealism,
realism,
and painful dualism.

Now go kill yourself "it",
for you no longer are needed,
wanted,
nor requested.

2011-10-03T17:16:00.001-04:00

Ziplining,
frontlining,
dangling,
my heart in front of you.

Cleaning,
decluttering,
waving off the emotions of my past for you.

Conversing,
inhaling,
exhaling,
connections with you.

Slow, slow, below me,
i'm breathing love,
staring at peace,
wishing bits of flesh in my fingers.

No, no...don't go away,
I hate the pauses between us,
claws in my soul,
sores in my visions of you.

Love will not meet us now,
we can't file it for the future,
we try to savour it mentally in our present,
but it's too far...

You come to me,
I come to you,
there's no respite,
just hunger,
thirst,
rawness,
and a chaos of you and I.

2011-09-28T16:56:00.001-04:00

And they blew it all on telegrams,
instagrams,
and photograms.

They tore apart the suits,
gave up the green paper drug,
corrected their perspective,
and gave enlightenment a chance.

They thought they were reborn,
blessed the lightbulb in their head,
harnessed the power of peace,
embarked on their journey to nowhere.

I was them and they were me.
I do not know what they could see.
In the road of life they joined me,
but am not sure that we could all see,
the mountain,
the wind,
the stream,
or the bee...the life-pollinating bee!

They became preachers of harmony,
told me stories of the effigy;
the Buddha, the Allah,
the Gaia and Sidhartha.

I listened to them with my third eye open,
for my mind, their logic could not follow.
Their vision, for me too broad,
their love, out of scope.

I tried to listen to their beggings,
but my heart could not handle their wailings,
so I took my green paper drug and suits and left,
and opted for my materialistic cleft.

And in the way back I found,
the mare and the hound,
and all love that is bound,
for nothing is better,
than the beautifully realistic ground.

Albums discovered today

2011-09-21T16:33:00.000-04:00

Yusef Lateef - "Eastern Sounds"

Gil Fuller, Dizzy Gillespie & Chano Poz - "Afro"

Various Artists - "Electric Jazz Lounge"

2011-09-16T17:16:00.000-04:00

Let it be,
let it be,
for she won't come to me.
The voice,
the drum,
the beating and the hum.

In the light she rests,
the clouds are her dress,
the sun her companion,
the moon her lover.

I'm seeing the edges breaking,
can see her floating,
for she is always there,
to make us bare.

I found her in the water,
I found her in the air,
I found her lost,
but she seemed not to care.

I told her to come over,
I wanted more of her,
she refused to see me,
accused me of being greedy.

Oh love,
why do you always escape me so?
Let me go, let me go...
my desire for you has burnt so...

Her or me...

2011-09-13T16:18:00.001-04:00

In her arms I fell,
In her chest I broke,
In her ears I spoke.

In her mouth I breathed,
In her soul I tilled,
In her mind I chilled,
In her voice I screamed.

In her life I found,
the mare and the hound,
the lover on the ground,
the tree and the sound,
the cheeks all browned.

She heard me say,
that my lover is May,
that my heart is in disarray,
that I know only how to betray,
that I will go away,
and leave her in peace, I say.

I don't know what will be,
but she might as well just leave me,
for I know that in the present,
the past will forever be.

My lover,
my dream.
Oh, my angry stream!

Flume

2011-09-13T14:43:00.000-04:00

I am my mother's only one
It's enough

I wear my garment so it shows
Now you know

Only love is all maroon
Gluey feathers on a flume
Sky is womb and she's the moon

I am my mother on the wall, with us all
I move in water, shore to shore
Nothing's more

Only love is all maroon
Lapping lakes like leary loons
Leaving rope burns
Reddish ruse

Only love is all maroon
Gluey feathers on a flume
Sky is womb and she's the moon

Holocene

2011-09-12T18:14:00.000-04:00

"Holocene"

“Someway, baby, it’s part of me, apart from me.”
you’re laying waste to Halloween
you fucked it friend, it’s on it’s head, it struck the street
you’re in Milwaukee, off your feet

…and at once I knew I was not magnificent
strayed above the highway aisle
(jagged vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles

3rd and Lake it burnt away, the hallway
was where we learned to celebrate
automatic bought the years you’d talk for me
that night you played me ʻLip Paradeʼ
not the needle, nor the thread, the lost decree
saying nothing, that’s enough for me

…and at once I knew I was not magnificent
hulled far from the highway aisle
(jagged, vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles

Christmas night, it clutched the light, the hallow bright
above my brother, I and tangled spines
we smoked the screen to make it what it was to be
now to know it in my memory:

…and at once I knew I was not magnificent
high above the highway aisle
(jagged vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles

2011-09-12T02:50:00.000-04:00

I was teased by your inquiries,
I was spit out by your words,
your assertions of me and my bones,
my translucent weaknesses,
and transcendent desires.

When your eyes are pain,
and your sounds are in vain,
I find I wonder about what could be lost,
and what is currently found.

When the water has boiled,
and the heart become ash,
I find that you are still rain,
whose moisture I crave.

And now in my bed,
while thinking of my pain,
Someday perhaps,
you will make it rain...
And perhaps,
the flowers in my rock,
can bloom again.

Hungover state...

2011-09-08T17:17:00.001-04:00

Another day staring at a computer screen, all hungover and dried up from the alcohol, your skin burning, your eyes itching, your stomach churning. Days at the office while hungover can be fun, mostly in the form of comatose zero productivity and news browsings, music-listenings, paperclip-filings, and all other various forms of mindless laziness. Then lunch time arrives and you fly off your chair like a hyena ready to attack the food court for your choice of prey, all in the attempt to fill in the hole left over by the insane amount of alcohol consumed the night before. Ah, the beauty of abusing one's body.

Nothing better than some good skull-splitting headache, heavenly body tremors and some delish serious stomach pains. Wait, the beauty doesn't end there either. Then you get to deal with people telling you that you look as if you have been dead for the past two weeks, all day!!!! On top of that, you get to deal with the many mistakes that you will make during your day at work which adds to your work, your misery and your hard-earned misfortune. Ah dear, dear, old, partying soul!

During all this, you tell yourself never again...only to do it again come 6pm. The life of a young professional is hard, my friends. You got debts to deal with, dreams to crush, debts to attempt paying, bodies trying to connect and failing miserably, and oh- yes, the constant struggle at trying to achieve your so-said potential and your bosses' demands. All of this while trying to look like you're the shit....'cause in the end, they all tell you that you are, it is the politically correct thing to do. However, whether you are or not, am afraid, it all ends up being categorically determined by your spiritualistic, emotional, mental and most importantly, materialistic achievements.

The chance to do well is high, but the chance to fuck up is higher. And fate would have it, that hungover or not, you just happen to increase your chances of mindless and hopeless fuckupery by continuing your lifestyle of self-abuse. I for one, am the best example. And believe me, self-abuse kind of consists of everything and anything...Bite your nails? Self-abuse! Look at the guy you like but got no guts to ask out? Self-abuse! So, you see, self-abuse is all-encompassing in the web of life. Hence, do not be afraid of it. Embrace it! Love it like it's your unborn baby (cause it comes with just about the same pains) and cherish it and feed it and let it be because in the end, you got no say in the matter. Well, perhaps a bit. But us losers and lazy bums, prefer to blame it all on the universe.

So....don't be afraid to sin, you will need it to make it in this life.

Fall...

2011-09-07T20:03:00.000-04:00

I fell into me, quite unexpectedly, and it was hard...a hard fall. I fell and crashed into my insecurities, I saw them for what they were, the brightness of truth hurting my eyes, my heart, my ego. I saw there the debris of my emotional baggage, the hording of my failures, the blurriness of my dreams and the shards of the pain I once felt, its edges still cutting into me.

I knew that this ugliness of truth would only do me good, but I could not accept it, so I looked away and I continued in my adventure of ignore-your-problems party. I drank and got high, I ignored the tears that would sneak out from time to time and told myself I was fine, I kept on going and still do and wonder when the ignoring will stop. Perhaps when life will have slapped me raw and will have left no more room for avoiding things I got to deal with...perhaps! I knew though, that sooner or later, I would come to you...to you, dear me. This is all a journey to get to you, my id! This is my coming-of-age story, my moment, my dream, my climax...when I have finally found myself.

Watching

2011-08-09T11:02:00.000-04:00

And I watched you watching me, but you forgot they were watching you and so we all watched and were watched but did not really see.

August 1, 2011

2011-08-01T15:50:00.000-04:00

31 degrees celsius of hotness,
wind to wipe off the heat
from time to time.
Lots of people at starbucks,
and me,
helping myself to some alone time.
BOn Iver in the background,
the deep sound penetrating thoughts,
instilling emotions,
and showcasing moments.

I want a lover and a best friend,
a man that can hold my hand,
without being afraid of attachment
and nonsensical emotional demands.
I want someone who can withstand,
the gravity of my eccentricity,
the pull of depravity,
the tenderness of my wholesome sensitivity.
Only couples, in this goddamn place,
their presence irks me,
their connection enrages me,
and their love saddens me.
I want someone to love and be loved,
I want a lover to hold,
a mind to explore,
a heart to devote.

This post makes no sense,
but I want to post it nonetheless.

Ramble II

2011-07-14T15:36:00.000-04:00

Whoa, Whoa,
You can't be feeling this way.
Don't allow the misery to enter.
Come on, girl. You know better than that.
Yet, you let the waves overtake you,
you let the pain break you,
and the people hurt you.

Darling, life is tough.
You can't deny it, stop it, nor drop it.
You can only accept it and and then hang on with grit.
You can tell me to hold some of weight,
this way you'll pull through.

Let this be a lesson, dear girl.
Life is tough, but so are you.
You are a weed in a strong stream
and you do not let the current take you
for your roots are strong,
and your dreams long,
and you know this is where you belong.
In this strong current,
you have your people throng,
to make you not forlorn.

Girl, girl...weep not,
regret not,
cry not,
instead laugh lots,
give smile shots,
and lifebolts
to the colts
that surround your lot.

Now go play,
'cause life doesn't wait...

Persepolis

2011-07-14T13:52:00.000-04:00

"Listen. I'm gonna give you an advice that will always be useful. In your life, you will meet a lot of assholes. Remember that it's stupidity that pushes them to be evil. It will prevent you from answering to their nastiness. Because there's nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance. Always remain worthy and true to yourself."

Extract from the movie Persepolis.

Dance with me...

2011-06-23T20:03:00.000-04:00

Dance with me,
and fire dances with you.

Play with me,
and they forget you.

Hurt with me,
and I might love you.

Love with me,
and I might hurt you.

Dance with me,
and I might dance back with you...

2011-06-21T16:35:00.002-04:00

I gots me life.
I think I do.
I gots me love.
I know I don't.

I gots me riches.
That's damn not true.
I gots me feelings...
that I want to undo.

I gots me clouds,
in my head.
I gots me prayers,
in my bed.

I gots me hatred,
in my heart.
I gots me peace,
perhaps not.
I gots me wishes,
and those are a lot.

I gots me quarrels,
with myself.
I gots me troubles,
that I put on a shelf.

I gots me lots and lots of things,
I gots me a life,
that brings me drinks,
parties,
people,
and cheers,
but none that eradicate,
this web of fears.

What will you give me,
oh, auspicious stranger,
will you give me more of the above
or the latter?

Tall order of Perfection, please!

2011-06-09T16:40:00.001-04:00

Americans!

Americans seem to have this obsession with perfection, an imaginary idea that they strive for, fight for, lie for, even to themselves, but especially to others. They are constantly in pursuit of happiness - as it says in their constitution - but in actuality, it is perfection they strive for. They are convinced that the two are equal, are inseparable; hence, their constant pursuit. They are under the impression that the only life worth living is one where you are always successful, have the best clothes, best body, prettiest smile, most gorgeous car, best education, loveliest and smartest children. They love to compete and especially, with themselves. They are a weird bunch...but oh, so interesting. They have this obsession with always being politically correct, always saying the right thing, doing the right, projecting the right image and in my opinion it all goes back to their pursuit of perfection; sorry, meant to say happiness. They are under the illusion that perfection can be achieved, if only one works hard enough and tries hard enough. I am afraid they fail to notice that perfection cannot exist in this world and this is due to a very simple fact: we are human. I know it is so cliche to say, but it is true. And after all, that's what cliches are, just over-repeated truths. They want the latest gadgets, the biggest homes, the best clothes, the largest meals, the most in overabundance.

They want it all, friends. And why shouldn't they? They work hard enough for it. They have developed a philosophy of life that is entirely reliant on the individual, a freeing and debilitating way of life that is oh-so-solitary. You work long hours to achieve these materialistic dreams dictated by "society" or AKA, multinational corporations.

I am part of this intricate web of self-deceit and antagonizing freedom of self. I work for a multinational company, work in the hub of wall street Canada and I feel so...detached, so not able to cope with the glazed and corrupt look of materialistic perfection and high gloss. I wonder many times whether I want to follow the same dream...

This reflection will have to continue tomorrow.

2011-06-02T15:40:00.000-04:00

So this is you denying?
Denying the simple fact of life?
Ah, poor, little soul!
What good will denying do?
Where will it take you?
How will it hide the rest
of your body except for your head?

No, no, don't delude yourself!
Don't salute the cell,
don't preclude the bell,
the bell of freedom,
the bell that can tell
through the ring of its own hell
the memories that seep in your well.

Hear it,
feel it,
for you may forget it,
and then abandon it,
the eureka of life,
the ugly truth of strife,
that simple fact of life!

Artsy roomies

2011-06-02T12:09:00.000-04:00

Now that I live by myself and got the good fortune of having artsy people as roomies, I get to see and be part of videos like the ones below. They are my friends and inspiration. Should I dabble in some video work? I think so...

Brock Ave Chronicles from Laetitia on Vimeo.

Kensington Market Experience from Jon Riera on Vimeo.

I remember - Yeasayer

2011-05-30T17:06:00.000-04:00

They tell me I'm beautiful, but I don't believe them. Instead, I choose to believe in the beauty of my music, the warmth of the morning sunlight, the crispness of the air, the white cherry tree with its falling petals, the humidity of the afternoon, and the sad truths in life...such as "fill in the blanks".

I have been obsessed for the whole week with this song. It reminds me of when I was in love...and him was stuck in my mind all the time, so frequent even now.

Sun!

2011-05-05T13:49:00.000-04:00

Sun, sun,
Why do I love you so?
You warm my heart,
you warm my soul.

Sky, sky,
Why are you so blue?
Why is love,
so full of you?
Why does the colour,
relax me so,
why does the word,
fill me with warmth?

Sun, sun,
don't go away,
caress my heart,
brighten my day.
Give love to the flowers,
and to mankind,
give warmth to their hearts,
and make their world shine.

P.S. I had a fantastic lunch today at St. Lawrence market with friends/colleagues who brighten my days. Wine and impromptu friends in the shape of cutest dog, make life's little pleasures the true reason for living. I hope you all had a wonderful day, too.

In the end they win...or is it you?

2011-03-31T16:04:00.000-04:00

I saw you in the window glass,
you looked good.
In your Anne Klein skirt,
your maroon heels,
your navy mesh tights,
and your strong walk.

I saw you and did not recognize you,
did not know who this girl was.
Did not know who you thought you were,
perhaps not who you seem,
perhaps not who you want to be,
perhaps somebody else entirely.

Why are you so multifaceted?
Why this embellishment of self?
Why this self-preserved broken surface?
Tell me one thing and one thing only:
What do you want?
Do you want to be the successful hottie
walking the halls of Allen Galleria?
Do you want to be the simpleton
traveling the corners of the world instead?
What do you want?
Why is it so hard for you to answer?

What is it about this duality that persists in you?
Is the corporate world tempting you, misleading you,
engulfing your being in believing that money and power
are the only way to succeed and make a difference?
Be heard? Be loved? Be respected? Be appreciated?

My little girl,
why are you so broken?
Why are you so weak and flawed?
Why are you so easily tempted?
Why are you so humanly swayed into
believing things that are not you?
Who are you?
I know you can't answer...
But maybe through actions,
you can....

Do something,
Love yourself...

2011-03-04T16:29:00.000-05:00

Now, Now...
Don't go thinking you can win,
not in this life, pal.
Don't argue with life's cruelties,
they will chew you up and spit you out,
yes, just like that asshole who just spit on the floor.

Let me tell you,
life is something you live everyday,
it's a bitch you want to fuck
but you can never have.
Yeah, that's right, you heard me,
you can't have her, man.
Why? 'Cause life is unpredictable,
it will throw you curveballs
that even the best baseball player can't catch.

Life is a human,
a beautiful mess of imperfections,
intertwined morals and emotions,
twisted like the roots of a tree.

Yeah, just live it one day at a time,
that's all you can do.
Hear me out, am telling ya,
you can't fuck this bitch.
Stop trying!
Let her come to you,
and then the fun comes...

I see...perhaps not!

2011-03-01T11:10:00.001-05:00

I see it,
I see it with
the corner of my eye.
That change,
that change that is
lurking around the corner.

I feel it,
I feel it coming nearer,
that much-awaited moment,
that storm of activity
you have been craving,
that love of desire
you've been creating,
that thing you call future.

I see it,
I see it now,
yes, it's clear as day,
I feel it,
I feel it now,
no, it's not there yet,
but you will soon feel its presence
and then,
I will hear you say,
the convulsions of achieving what you want
are too damn distressing.

Titleless

2011-02-08T17:42:00.000-05:00

Hey!!
Throw me that rock,
throw it at me,
smash my heart,
kill my brain,
just fucking take me out of my misery.

And when you're done,
wipe your hands,
i hate dirt,
on good shirts.

Yes, am talking to you goodlooking,
man with style,
money,
complexes,
sweet words and honey...
instead of honesty and love.

Am talking to you,
man who broke my heart,
am talking to you,
coward who can't ask me out,
am talking to you,
disgusting player.
Yes, am talking to all you men out there
who take and think they give
who love but instead they hurt
who are heartless but instead they play the lover.

Am talking to you, human beings.
Kill this heart,
smash my brain,
for you have all disappointed me.
But life continues...

Conversations with thyself.

2011-02-06T20:14:00.002-05:00

Dear soul,

I would like to ask you, when did you become so cynical? Why are you always so tormented? It seems to me (your alter ego) that you like pain a bit too much, you enjoy melodrama a bit too often and you seem a bit hypocritical as well. What's up with this constant victimization of yourself? What's up with this addiction of always feeling sorry for yourself? It seems to me that quite a few people give you compliments, think you're pretty cool, in fact, a bunch of them say that you are one of the most amazing people they have ever met and yet, this doesn't seem to satisfy you. What's wrong with you, soul? What is this void that seems to be within you? I would like to understand you better, especially since your actions and behaviour directly affect me, your alter ego. I would like to understand you so I can properly correct you so I can be a bit happy too.

You seem to seek superficial happiness, fleeting moments of awesomeness that momentarily fill your void and just as quickly, disappear. A lot of times, I am almost convinced that you might suffer from multiple personality disorder, but since I am your twin in the sense of always accompanying you wherever you go, I know fully well that your emotional disorder or instability stems from your lack of self-worth and the many incidents that have weakened it. I know you feel bad for yourself soul, I know you act as if you're happy but you are deeply depressed, I know you have a fucked up situation soul, but who doesn't? Why is it so hard for you to see and accept that? Have you ever thought about how bad others might have it? But of course you have, I know you have, I was there when countless of people have told you the same cliche line and I know you are tired of hearing it, I know all you think about when they say that to you is that why the fuck can't I have it well like others? I know soul, I know how you feel for I feel it, too. I know that you are frustrated with your emotional state, with your reality and I also know you try hard to make it better, you analyze yourself to oblivion (myself included), you try to ignore it, you try to do things that could make it better, but I also see your failure soul.

I see it for we are both responsible for it. I see you ignoring the pain, ignoring your problems, focusing on the getting drunk and meeting new people, trying to get people to love you and never really achieving it, constantly looking for love and never really finding it, I see it all soul. I see your struggles, I see your achievements, I see your lucid moments and your dark abyss ones. I am there with you, soul....I am having this conversation with you because my lucid moment right now is in realizing that when you got no one else there for you, don't forget that it is you, myself and I....yes, I is in the equation too, but we don't listen to her very often for she is the superego, a bit too boring for us right now. But rest assured soul, you are the amalgamation of everything you need and for that....don't feel alone for I am here too so don't take all the blame for the way you feel.

Inspired

2011-01-30T21:45:00.000-05:00

I just watched the movie The Romantics. I had never heard of it and I clicked on it because I thought the poster or movie picture seemed interesting and also, the title. Plus, I was just looking for some kind of romantic, melodramatic movie to see and thought this would satiate some of the thirst. I was right...it did.

However, I was surprised to find that critics did not agree. I read one review and although I liked the way the review was written and agree with most observations, I would disagree with its conclusion that the movie, just like its characters, is exactly as the main guy says in one scene: "We are all uninspired.". Well, let me tell you, I was inspired precisely because of this particular speech/one-liner. I was inspired to write here. That should say something...especially for somebody like me who is lazy and never wants to write....afraid of not being a good enough writer, much like one of the characters in the movie.

I wanted to say that if you do randomly see this movie somewhere and you are turned off by the reviews, don't be. Watch it! I liked the cliche story (although more twisted than most romantic ones), the dark undertones, the melodrama, the scenery, the dynamics between the characters, the sappy indie love songs, the hipster clothes (so true to today's after-college society), the dialogues and even the cheesy poem-reciting. I liked it all. Maybe because my own life resonates with theirs, maybe because I can understand the duality or ambiguity of emotions and actions of each character and I appreciate the low-budget camera work that seems to give it personality and intimacy, I like it all. In fact, I wonder...why is it getting such bad reviews?
Could I possibly be so shallow and superficial? Perhaps. However, I still wonder why the author of the review at Slant Magazine would call the movie "turgid faux indie". I agree that it might give the feeling of fakeness, as if it is trying so hard to be indie and perhaps it is. However, it is still beautiful and thoughtful and I just don't understand why it would be viewed as so superficial. Perhaps I am not deep enough. Or perhaps, movie critics cannot shed their bias towards celebrities and properly appreciate an indie, even though its cast is choke-full of celebrities. Perhaps...

There are a lot of guessing in this post....but one thing is for sure: I liked the movie just as much as I liked its soundtrack. In fact, I would like to say that when it comes to movie, it's always best to watch it yourself and be your own judge. Movies are art; therefore, very subjective and personal. Don't let somebody dictate what you should like or feel...don't follow it, even though I always use it as a guide in my choices so am being a bit hypocritical here. You watch it and you judge for yourself....and the analysis? Well, you leave that to those who do that for a living, those whose profession is to do so. Your purpose in watching the movie is to enjoy it. That is why...read this review as well, maybe this way you are able to better understand the movie and your own feelings or judgements.

Happy watching!

Cafes

2011-01-24T16:08:00.000-05:00

You know what is the allure and beauty of cafes? The fact that for three bucks (the standard price of an americano or large coffee), you get to sit inside a cute place for three hours or more, laugh it out with friends, have the time of your life playing cards, study, stalk, stare, observe, watch movies on your laptop, chat with friends, browse the internet, meet people, have a date, have a meeting, have everything....just for three bucks!!!

Let's also mention that cool cafes that are of quality, will not only have good quality java, but they will also provide decent sweets and good food. Yes, cafes are what students love, people love, I love...and for good reason. Reread the paragraph above. Where else can you do all of that - almost the same stuff you can do at the comfort of your home - for such a low price? You go to a restaurant, you are almost guaranteed to pay 15 bucks and above and definitely feel awkward if you linger for more than an hour. In a cafe, the social rules are more relaxed, the people are friendlier, the atmosphere more lively and yet somehow soothing, the opportunity to meet a cute stranger, definitely higher.

I had an amazing time yesterday at Aroma Espresso Bar, a chain cafe in Toronto that gives good food, good pastries and pretty good coffee. You order the food and coffee, wait for your name to be called and then you pick it up; basically self-serve. The interior is red, the seats are red, the tables black and the people? Well, the people range from young adults to the elderly...but there is one consistency though, these are mostly fashionable, well-dressed, well-off peeps. You gotta make the bucks to come to this cafe for it is not cheap. However, it is still worth it...at least for the convos :)

2011-01-20T12:36:00.004-05:00

No one tells you that when you grow up, you will become a miserable being with less of a heart, accompanied by a big pile of muddled ideals and a crapload of cynicism. No one prepares you for the hurdles of having to be an adult, no one tells you of the shortfalls of debt, the scars past loves leave and mutate into, the constant struggle of looking cool or productive in a society obsessed with image and success. Yes, no one prepares you for these...but you somewhat have an idea. You somehow can expect these when in high school your guidance counselor asks you what you would like to do and how to prepare for it (in my case, the ghetto high school I went to, it was more of a "please, try not to get shot"). But....you enter university and you forget just how miserable life really is. You immerse yourself in ideals, alcohol, weed, good conversations, foreign films, documentaries that confuse the shit out of you, constant articles and essays that bore the fuck out of you, and heedless sessions of making out with random strangers whom you call friends.

You forget that this is the best period of your life; so you abuse it, you love it and then you can't wait to get it over with and become the much-awaited adult that "they" and "you" have been preparing all this time. Then that moment comes and you are slapped with the harsh reality of the boredom and disillusion of "making it on your own". You learn student loans are the devil, interest rates will choke the life out of you, graduate school (if you want to be a "normal, respected" person) is an imminent cloud of rain on your parade, dating (shithole) is the biggest bitch out there, and of course, you need to deal with the looming precipice of marriage as well.

Ah, life is good. So good!!!
You are finally making some shitty money (where 35% of your miserable entry level position gets eaten up by taxes), wasting it all still on booze and friends (university life is hard to get rid of), clothes to look like you are more accomplished than you are, and oh yes...in my case, supporting your whole fucking family. That's right, can't you see rainbows over me? I can taste the bitterness of emancipation and 45,000dollars investment in nothing except some good parties and a few bits of information shared.

Where has real education gone? Where is my money's worth? Canada, why did you promise me a fake dream?

In the words of the sailor within me: FUCK YOU!

My Oksana

2011-01-17T13:22:00.000-05:00

She is only 21-years old....
but she beats me,
in being cold...
cold-hearted, that is.

She is white-teethed,
red-lipped,
small-breasted,
sweet dispositioned,
in appearance only, that is.

I am 26,
stupidly complicated,
cowardly,
yellow-teethed
big-breasted
foolishly romantic,
inside, that is.

I am bitchy,
strong,
happy,
smart,
forgiving,
in appearance, that is.

She is manipulative,
sexy,
sensual,
fun,
selfish,
interest-driven,
she is undeniably,
just a darker version of me.

I am white,
she is black,
I am lost,
she is lucid,
I am naive,
she is superficially so,
I am in love,
she does not even know the feeling.

Damn girl....you sexy bitch!

Sweet Disposition - Ellie Golding (The Temper Trap cover)

2011-01-17T12:25:00.000-05:00

Sweet disposition
Never too soon
Oh reckless abandon,
Like no one's watching you
A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
Just stay there
Cause I'll be comin' over
While our bloods still young
It's so young, it runs
Won't stop til it's over
Won't stop to you surrender
Songs of desperation
I played them for you

Heartless

2011-01-14T13:23:00.000-05:00

Did I ever tell you that you are heartless? All those years alone, your heart must have grown cold. All those bodies embraced, holes entered, none warmed you up. All those nights in different beds, all those kisses given, none electrified the dead muscles of the one organ you know nothing about. I pray that maybe one day something will wake it, I hope that maybe one day you will be able to make use of it, I wish that one day I can witness it...

Starbucks at Brookfield Place

2011-01-07T18:18:00.000-05:00

Dear non-existent readers,

Things have changed and I now work for a consulting firm (that just opened a new office in Saudi Arabia, me very interested <3) located in TD Canada Tower, Brookfield Palace. It is a fancy, beautiful, grandious place with fantastic architecture and a rich history. It makes sense to have all of the above, especially since this is the tallest building in Toronto and also the Wall Street of Canada.

Also, you can imagine that this is the hub of suit-wearing, coffee-jugging finance guys and girls...or better said, men and women. Brookfield Place, unlike the other surrounding buildings, has all of the tops CEOs so it's mostly middle-aged to older men and women.

There are few young men and ladies, but the few that are...are smartly dressed and oh-so snobby, everyone tries to look more serious and important than they are (yours truly included). However, what I would like to share is the craziness that goes on in the morning. Everyday at the time between 8:30am-9:30am, you see these same rich, smartly-dressed, serious people attack Starbucks like hyenas and fight over milk/coffee cream/ half&half at the sugar table, the whole thing is quite a sight. The table is a mess, the jugs are empty and we are yelling as to where are the new ones because we all need our caffeine fix and we all need to go back to our office to keep on slaving away in front of a computer screen so our companies can make money, consequently, us.

Yes, corporate life is hilariously serious. Just another day in the life of Canada's most depressed city...

Madeleine Peyroux - This is Heaven to Me

2010-12-30T13:20:00.000-05:00

I am at work. I am feeling very sick, I think that stupid subway sandwich poisoned me or maybe the indian guy who prepared it, not sure, just angry at the moment. Am also half-high, took a strong advil, am not sure how am writing, fingers move by themselves. Am in my little cubicle, listening to the soft, soothing sounds of Madeleine Peyroux and am wishing, feeling, imagining green fields, blue skies, flowers, the sound of leaves lulling me to sleep, the moisture of grass refreshing me...am in different world. All due to music...what a power!

Hey new year...

2010-12-24T23:03:00.000-05:00

So, I dedicate this post to new year (kind of too early, but am guessing that with Christmas eve approaching and the pagan celebration of winter solstice, it is kind of a new year threshold) and my wishes.

I want an apartment to myself with lots of light. Am not wishing anything major here, just my own space where I can do whatever I want, decorate it whichever way I want, put my artwork up, listen to music out loud, dance like crazy, try and fail to do yoga, another try and fail with exercise and of course, have my friends over whenever I like (maybe future lovers, when am ready).

I want freedom! I want financial freedom. I want to be able to have control over everything that surrounds my life and no longer have to deal with other people's messes, dinner, whatever. Am too tired of living with others. I want my own space and time and just the fucking chance to breathe and live the way I want.

That's it. Thank you God and Santa for giving me a little bit of the rest of things I wanted this year, but this is what I want for next. Of course, please pay attention also to my list of material things which I think would definitely automatically take care of a few of the things in the emotional list as well.

Thank you and good night!

Christmas eve...

2010-12-24T22:45:00.000-05:00

It is 10:27pm, christmas eve. I am still upset and nursing my hurt heart, my buzzing headache from drinking too much today with people from work on an empty stomach, and yet...I discover a blog and surprisingly, I feel a bit better, more hopeful. I read and read and read and the hours pass by. This is how I waste my time...reading other people's thoughts and wishing theirs were mine, their lives were mine, a constant roll of envy. Yes, that's me, envy queen. Maybe I shouldn't use envy, it has such a negative connotation. I should just say that I am not happy with what I got (never been, really) and that only lately, I have started getting more comfortable in my skin. The funny thing is that I can play the part of the very strong, very confident woman very well. I would get an oscar, that's for sure. I always seem to know it all, have it all, but it is far from the truth. If only people knew my daily life and my...anyway, I will keep that in my mysterious corner of a shadow.

I think I am ready to move on....I think I will stop loving Dhary from today on (I don't expect it to happen overnight, but gradually, it will fade) and that from now on, I think I will stop being so self-conscious about everything and be more open about my life. I will put more pics of me (or maybe sketches, not sure yet) and I will try to write more....I said try, most probably won't happen, as usual. I am very good at planning and envisioning the right things to do, but putting them to action, that is another matter.

Meanwhile, let me share some happy images and material wishes (it is christmas, after all...the holiday of holidays for materialism).

Maybe Santa will be nice to me for once ;)

Moccasins anyone?

Random, huh? But wait, am not done. I think I will just continue listing what I want for the new year...or maybe I should say that on new year's eve? But no, I will be too busy partying most probably (at least I hope so, something needs to go right this holiday season even though it is soooo much better than last) so I think maybe I will list them here. But since this post is getting too long, I will just have to write another one ;)

Fucked UP Christmas....yet again!

2010-12-24T08:45:00.000-05:00

I am fucking mad, beyond mad...but even more hurt than mad. Today is the 24th, feeling a bit better than I did last year around this same time and then the bomb comes, an email with hurtful words and even more hurtful statements. After one year of having moved out and not picked up my stuff, he has donated them to salvation army. How could you do that? How can you send me that hateful email and do those hateful things when all I have been thinking this whole week is how much I miss you and just how much I still love you?

Im so fucking hurt....yet another fucked up christmas, as usual. Story of my fucking life.

Am glad that nobody is here at 8:43am at work cause im fucking crying like an idiot and it is all your fault. How I wish I didn't have a heart, how I wish I wasn't such a fucking idiot, how I wish I hadn't loved you....no, I take that back, I would never wish that, I'm glad I loved you. I just wish I was a different person so I could deal with things differently, be stronger, smarter....but I am too fucked up to be happy. I deserve my misery, I bring it onto myself.

So, merry christmas to you too Dhary, and thanks for breaking my heart again, on christmas, one year later.

Hateful love,

Irsida

Wish List

2010-12-16T11:48:00.000-05:00

What is on your wish list? Do you have one? I have never really had a wish list...never was that organized. However, I do know that if i were to list my wishes, they would be quite long and they would be divided into material and emotional wishes. The material one would be quite long, the emotional, maybe a bit shorter (maybe!), but both, pretty long. I have a lot to wish this year but also a lot to be thankful for. Where did this year run to? I feel like it was only yesterday that I was here writing about Christmas and its depressing mood. This year, it is much better, thank you. Now I am employed by a consulting firm that has offices all over the world (Middle East, here I come!), I still am pretty bad in finances but doing much better, at least a buck for a coffee I got...Also, this year, although I don't have someone that loves me, I also don't have someone to hurt me. I have friends, I am moving out (yesssss!!!) and all in all, am full in hope. So now that I think about it, maybe my material list is way longer than my emotional one :)

If you are feeling generous this season and would like to sponsor my happiness in procuring me with the below items, please feel free to do so. I welcome it, as usual!

Pedro Almodovar: Pedro Classics Collection

Jorge Luis Borges: Collected Fiction

Nine West: Vintage America Boot

Loquita Scarves

I want them so badly. The first one is cashmere and I can dream about being wrapped up in it, feel the warmth of its softness and colours...

2010-12-16T10:49:00.000-05:00

Now that everyone is emulating the hippie/cool/vintage/booknerd girl, how will we tell apart the fake from the real? Damn it, it is starting to become nauseating all this same "quirkiness" and "eccentric" fashion.

Who is seriously in love with all these vintage-y stuff or is it just for show? Or do we all just have a superficial fascination with it? What is going on? All you "fashionistas" out there, answer me. Is your interest only in clothes? Or are you all really as deep as you portray yourselves to be? I think I am just wishing to be the only who is unique...am too afraid to have you like the same things as me because then...what will be special about me???
http://www.weardrobe.com/

I was touched...

2010-12-16T01:11:00.000-05:00

This was dedicated to me today. I was touched beyond words. It made me cry. It made me smile. It made me feel special. It made me feel loved and appreciated for the first time by a friend. I felt almost wholesome. I want more....

Lovely, lovable, and insanely magical YOU!

by ELa Kaca on Wednesday, December 15, 2010 at 11:52pm

I was thinking if it is possible that with a handful of words, to tell someone that you really appreciate, how amazing they are. The light bulb in my head lit, and I decided to write this for you.

If there is anyone, who I can talk to for hours, while drinking wine, sitting in two different ends of a couch, smoking insanely much, and covered in a cozy blanket in mid January, that is you. There is no conversation that you do not have an argument for, and a sound argument that is, that does blow everyone’s mind away… I am proud to introduce you to my friends, and show off with you, why not? You are beautiful, with those deep brown eyes that shine even in the middle of a sunny day. And you look like Amelie, or rather, she looks like you. You appreciate art, and have introduced me to the best music video, with which I have started an everlasting relationship ever since. You have read some of my favorite authors, and aim to read much more. You work so hard, and succeed all the time. You are caring, loving, and lovable. If you can make me fall in love with you, so genuinely in love, than you can do just about everything. I am so proud that you are my friend, and we will be, till ‘death sets us apart’. I love you, so very much!

<3

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

- Anais Nin

Fashion Overload

2010-11-16T22:47:00.001-05:00

So, I just realized that we are going through some kind of fashion overload. Crazy styles everywhere, crazy obsession with anything fashionable and guess what, same kind of eclectic in every magazine, every article, every outfit, every selections of interior design, book design, you name it. It is the same different thing everywhere. What do I mean? I mean, the selection of eclectic styles or clothing has the same kind of mixes, same kind of colour arrangement and quite interestingly, same kind of people as well.

You see that ponytail and this seemingly eclectic look? Well, almost every girl in the street has it and it makes me wonder...maybe I'm not the only one following blogs. I am quite bright in realizing this so soon, huh? (laughs at oneself)

Am not saying I don't like it, but at the same time, I don't like liking what everyone else likes. I like liking things that not everybody likes, it makes me feel unique without having me to try them out in real life and stand out and having to deal with weird looks or just looks in general. Also, in most of the fashion blogs that I follow (I realized my like has a pattern, maybe that's why they are all the same) the ads of all those famous fashion blogs involve vintage/hipster online clothing stores. So, I had this idea. What I am gonna do with my precious time (instead of reading my million books, seeing my million movies and going out incessantly) I will be reviewing every single ad on my saved fashion blogs and make a note on which online store has the cheapest and cutest and most fashionable clothes. How about that, fellow superficial beings?

There you go....if this doesn't make me famous now that we have included fashion in this ungodly depressed blog, now we got a chance at getting some readers. We will probably lose some followers, but who gives a shit, fame is the objective here. And of course, pursuit of superficiality and frivolity and anything that is beautiful. I might make fun of it, but to be honest, I do find it beautiful and I do crave it (fashion, that is). So as much as I am partaking in a bit of perversive masochism in my "likes", I think I am looking forward to my project.

Are you, my inexistent reader, maybe future-existent-reader?

Moments in days of weeks

2010-11-15T20:35:00.000-05:00

Starbucks Moment
"The smooth, velvety feel of cream and coffee meet my tongue, courses through to my throat, then takes over the rest of me. The christmas music coupled with the cozy feeling of sinking into a comfortable armchair lull my mind, make my heart sing with sweet memories. I watch people rush, run by, slapped by the cold wind, aroused by the vivacity of the street. I am thinking of pine trees, warm fireplaces, red lights and reindeer on roofs. Sweet moment in a day of sourness within a week of stress and battles. The moment, within the day, within the week. Hmmm, let me enjoy the taste of it. Let me sip it till the end. Let me look at those girls outside and not wish to be them for a moment. Let me live it, love it, cherish it! This is a starbucks moment. What better ad than this?"

Library Moment
I am reading All Quiet on the Western Front and listening to youtube videos on my laptop. The following, makes me stop and think. This is pure beautiful simple writing. It is the reason why Erich Maria Remarque is my favourite writer. Also, I feel that this paragraph summarizes what the book is about to perfection and shows how innocence can be soiled so easily, how minds can be warped and mangled.

"We are not youth any longer. We don't want to take the world by storm. We are fleeing. We fly from ourselves. From our life. We were eighteen and had begun to love life and the world; and we had to shoot it to pieces. The first bomb, the first explosion, burst in our hearts. We are cut off from activity, from striving, from progress. We believe in such things no longer, we believe in the war." p.81-82

Future Cafe moment
I just discovered the following song. The voice, the music, the lyrics make me love all of it for it seems that they represent me at this moment in time. And, of course, shots of subway tunnels that look like London underground make me reminisce of my time there and my desire to be in the streets of Europe for "life for me was a hot ride after the other, couple dates, couple lovers and a couple wild night with you, life for me is about all the chances we're taking, all the love we're making, and I wanna make love with you."

2010-10-20T16:24:00.000-04:00

"What are you upset about?" - he asked.
"Am just upset about my life in general." - she answers and is surprised to find that the utterance of that sentence, drops her into this void of contemplation about what exactly her life is about and what makes her so upset. She has the question loud and clear in front of her and its perverse presence brings on a monologue...a monologue for her but now for you too...

"What am I exactly upset about? Am just upset about my life in general. Am tired at this constant melancholy state I am in, at my negativity at things, at my fear of failure and my love of the dramatic. Am tired of my life-crippling procrastination, at my million and one ideas and my zero actions. Am tired of my life as a passerby, my life as a follower, my life as a shy leaf, my life as a burnt flame. I want new things, i want a new me, i want a different altogether person. Give it to me, God. Please, just listen to me for once and give me what I need to be happy. If not that, at least help me figure out what exactly do I want to pursue in this life. What should I do? I went wrong somewhere along my path and now am all wound up in a ditch with a thousand crossroads in front of me and nowhere to go, no legs to carry me, no energy to even get up. Why have you paralyzed me so? The truth is, I know it is me who has paralyzed me so and can't seem to bring myself to get up. Go away, fear! Go away, self-doubt! Come here, light! Envelop me, love me, caress me, fill me!"

"Helloooo!?" - he asks her and wakes her from her trance. She realizes that she had forgotten where she was for some time and had this person, this friend, this guy in front of her looking inquisitively at her as if she was some weird stranger. Her monologue must have shown on her face for the guy looked somewhat worried. "You ok?" he proceeded to ask and she had no answers, none to satisfy his curiosity nor his worry. Yes, she was ok...maybe not now, but she will be and that is how she finished yet another episode, moment, fraction of her life.

2010-09-07T02:17:00.001-04:00

The rain just started. The cold coming from the open balcony door has enveloped my feet and the sound of Lhasa de Sela is hugging my soul. Another cigarette was lit and another article was read. Now...all that is left is writing here about another trivial moment in my life and yet...so full of meaning, like any other moment that fills and makes up our life. I sip my Czechvar beer, I move my fingers to type here, I dream of success and desirable futures and taste the bitterness of my current failures and my constant loneliness. I stop a minute, I listen to the song, hear Lhasa's lamenting sound and feel my soul crying, the tears dripping in my blood and filling me with sorrow.

I sing along with Lhasa, I voice outloud the suffering of the words Con Toda Palabra and... and unlike what the song says, I feel the lack of words, the powerful punch of emotions, the thunder of my beating heart reverberating through my thoughts, my soul, my being.

I feel alone and yet...somehow, comforted by the presence of my books, my music, my photographs, my art, my hobbies, my likes and my dislikes. I wish away my loneliness and yet...somehow, I welcome it, I bathe in it, I caress it and beg it to treat me well, teach me about myself, to inspire me, to hug me, to awaken me into the light of emancipation...

Light, embrace me. Hope,touch me. Love, fill me. Past, forgive me.

Sail Away....where the doldrums of my soul are...

2010-08-25T20:48:00.001-04:00

My grandma died last night and my so-called friends have disappeared. Life seems a constant storm, hurricane after hurricane is devastating the shores of my soul and I crave for some peace. I want to be where the doldrums are...cast away my anger, fears, doubts and sail away into the ocean of my dreams, feel the invigorating wind of future promises, expectations, and impossibilities.

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Crazy skies all wild above me now
Winter howling at my face
And everything I held so dear
Disappeared without a trace
Oh all the times Ive tasted love
Never knew quite what I had
Little darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning round inside my head

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Ive been talking drunken gibberish
Falling in and out of bars
Trying to find some explanation here
For the way some people are
How did it ever come so far

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now
Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

No Man's Land in Break Up War

2010-08-16T23:35:00.000-04:00

I gave the last kiss on the cheek, hugged her hard and wished her all the best. This was my goodbye for a while to my brother's girlfriend who had become my best friend and almost like the sister that I never had.
Eight days ago, she sent me a message telling me that they had broken up and I never fully realized just how much impact this would have on my brother and consequently, on me.

Due to their constant fighting and my brother's immature personality, I assumed that this would be what he wanted and that he would not suffer that much. But I was foolish and insensitive and a horrible sister, one who did not truly know her brother. This past weekend, I realized just how broken he was and how oblivious I had been to his pain, his emotions; to him in general.

The first panicked cries, broken breaths and big fat tears started last friday, when he came to me in the morning and demanded that we talk and within two minutes, while telling me how fucked up my life was and how many problems I had, he began sobbing. I am cruel and hate men that cry, or cry-babies in general; am too emotional and fragile myself to deal with other people's tears so I became mad at him and yelled at him for diverting his problems into mine. After hours of discussion into why we are so fucked up as a family and why I should stop hanging out with his girlfriend and his friends who have become mine, I finally lost my patience and just blew up on him. I had been patient with his constant outbursts of emotions, snappiness and meanness for the past two months and decided to tell him that he was horrible and that no other person makes me lose my mind like he does and that I was embarrassed and ashamed to be his sister lately. I did not realize the power of my words.

We decide to leave for our (his) friend's birthday party at the cottage in Wasaga and all this time I am telling him to stay because she will be there and that if he is in such a bad mood, he should just stay home instead of making everybody's else time miserable. After snapping at me for being so incredibly obnoxious into thinking that I could go to his friend's cottage and not him, we decided to leave and arrived there quite late at night.
The whole night was spent partying, drinking, mostly getting high...as most university kids nowadays do, which most of the group were (it's part of the reason I like to hang out with them, it makes me feel like I'm still at school). He was always by himself, in a couple of instances he yelled at the guys, yelled at his ex but mostly kept to himself. Everybody noticed because this is not how he usually is, he is always the life of the party, the one everybody wants to hang out with or talk. At this night (on a friday), at the washroom of the cottage, 4-5 guys of the party constantly went to the washroom to consume cocaine, which was a pretty big thing since this was an entirely Albanian group and these are all good kids whose only rebellious part is smoking weed. This consumption of cocaine prompted my brother to believe (in his unstable state of emotions and mind) that his sister would not be safe and that would want to be part of it and since he is Albanian, even though he did not want to be there and would much prefer to go home (which he should have done), decided to stay to make sure that he could protect me or that I will behave well. It did not matter that I am five years older than him or that these are all younger people than me who would never even dare to suggest anything insulting, let alone be in any danger with them.

But I digress, forgive me. The point of this post is that amidst their break up, I had gotten so deep that I was in no man's land in their break-up war. I did not know who to support and who to stay with and who to talk to and what to talk about and what to do. Should I have spent more time with my brother instead of drinking beer, getting high and joking with the boys? For sure! Should I have spent more time with my best friend and consoling her? For sure, too! The thing is, family comes first and I was stuck in the middle of my morals and integrity and I felt bad choosing one or the other, but norms dictate that family comes first and for this, I feel guilty for not supporting my brother.

The thing is, now, at this moment in time that am writing this, after having talked for two hours with my friend (his ex), have come to the realization that when it comes to family, nothing comes first. The trick is making the choice not so obvious that the person involved gets offended or upset or feels betrayed. The good thing about my situation is that my friend which in this case turns out to be my brother's ex, is such a good girl that she is the one who made my decision better and told me to support my brother and stop hanging out with her for awhile. The goodness of her heart and the integrity of her friendship facilitated me to make the right choice.

This is why when you are stuck in the middle of nowhere and you don't know which way to go, rely on your good morals and pray to be lucky to have some friendly sides for the fire might consume you and burn you in the end.

2010-07-14T18:48:00.000-04:00

You broke my heart, today...
Don't know how you managed it,
since you had broken it
ten thousand times before...
but somehow,
you managed to
break it again...
today.

It took months
to repair some of it
and with one
swift lashing of your tongue,
you cut it in pieces
and you slashed it
and you broke it.

You threw upon me
a volcano of mean words,
you left the ashes of your silence
to suffocate me and then...
you apologized
and like the sun
coming through the ash cloud ,
you let me breathe again.

You managed
to accomplish
all this in 35minutes....

That, is the quickest catastrophe
I have ever heard of...
that of the killing of a heart.

But then again,
under a court of law,
you would not
be penalized
because you managed
to kill the same heart again...

But then again,
under the court of humanity,
you have committed
a grave crime...
because,
there is nothing graver
than killing somebody's soul....

But then again,
hearts are broken
and re-broken
and regenerated
for love is just that...
a continuing flow
of pain and happiness
of life and regeneration,
a fluid that fills your heart
and drains it
and fills it
and re-drains it.

This is why,
even when you're broken,
you are never bored...
for love...is ever-changing.

2010-05-31T05:10:00.000-04:00

I find that at often times, I am most inspired to write when I am exhausted and is nearly dawn, I have a cigarette between my lips (after having smoked countless) and the bitter taste of it overtakes my mouth and doesn't give me any pleasure, and yet I cannot stop smoking. It is at these moments that I feel most the need to write. It is after a long night of working all day, dealing with family problems, partying, being ditched by friends at a club while you are at a washroom, having to take the bus home for two hours at 3am, that life seems...painfully and beautifully adventurous and meaningful. I can see the sky getting brighter, the sun will wake up in a few hours and its presence, gives me a feeling full of life. I have the day off tomorrow or I should say, today since it's 5am. I am exhausted, upset, uninspired and my feet hurt incredibly so. I danced, I worked, I laughed, I sucked up to customers, I made money, I spent all the money made and here I am, in front of a computer, writing nonsense. What is life? Damn it, why do I feel the need to ask this question at 5 in the morning?

How does the common person feel at such an hour, after all that was transcribed above? I am tired...but not sleepy. What is this state? How do you describe it or explain it? Bahhh, triviality is my constant companion in writing. I feel like I have nothing worthy to share...and yet, here I am sharing. What can you share?

Are you willing to share???

Give me a piece of your life....I want the exchange!

Here is another cigarette...

2010-05-14T15:03:00.000-04:00

There are certain things that cannot go unnoticed. One is a gorgeous woman, the other, is an ugly woman. Both are two ends of the beauty spectrum and yet, something unites them, the fact that they are women, they are human, they are individuals with dreams, desires, imperfections and god knows what else. In most cases, a woman will be in between of those two ends, but there are times when one can exceed the limit of the edges based on their behaviour. A true ugly woman is one who does not necessarily have an ugly face, but definitely an ugly personality. And a true beautiful woman is one who does not necessarily have a beautiful face, but a great personality. In this world, you can pass by with a smile, with jokes, kindness and wits if you let them be your primary factors of life. If you lack any of the above, make sure you take care of that pretty face or you are doomed. If you are lucky to have both, then....you are one freak of nature.

Don't let superficiality rule your life. Let those countless beauty magazines say whatever they want, you pay attention to the magnificent things that move you, focus on your goodness and you will be happy, content, and beautiful in every way.

Those are my two cents of the day....

2010-04-26T10:46:00.000-04:00

Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map

The Great Gatsby

2010-04-16T17:17:00.000-04:00

I found in my notebook, written in a hurried, ugly handwriting, pieces from the book The Great Gatsby. I read them and found it interesting that I had thought them important, meaningful enough to write them down and see how applicable they are to my life right now. Life is funny....you can find it in books, in pictures, everywhere...you belong everywhere!

"If personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures, then there was something gorgeous about him, some heightened sensitivity to the promises of life, as if he were related to one of those intricate machines that register earthquakes ten thousand miles away." p. 2

"Yet high over the city our life of yellow windows must have contributed their share of human secrecy to the causal watcher in the darkening streets, and I was him too, looking up and wondering. I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life." p.44

"He smiled understandingly, - much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced - or seemed to face - the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just so far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that at your best, you hoped to convey. Precisely at that point it vanished - and I was looking at an elegant young rough-neck, a year or two over thirty, whose elaborate formality of speech just missed being absurd." p.53-54, this was the first description of gatsby.

"And I like large parties. They're so intimate. At small parties, there isn't any privacy". Jordan Baker says to Nick.

"At the enchanted metropolitan twilight I felt a haunting loneliness sometimes, and felt it in others - poor young clerks who loitered in front of windows waiting until it was time for a solitary restaurant dinner - young clerks in the dusk, wasting the most poignant moments of night and life." p.60

"Americans, while occasionally willing to be serfs, have always been obstinate about being peasantry." p.84

"No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart."p.90

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther...And one fine morning - So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." End

Bits and pieces...

2010-04-16T16:56:00.002-04:00

"Curly hair, dark skin,
sweet smile,
eyes that happiness bring.

You wear your white shirt,
you put your shoes on,
you walk and tread on and on,
in life and in road,
you are always fierce, in each one."

"Let the flowers bloom
the wind blow,
the clouds move and the sorrow go.
Let everything pass you by,
let your soul breathe,
let your mind relax,
let your world heal."

2010-03-25T08:50:00.000-04:00

I had a wonderful dinner at The Keg tonight. I had a t-bone steak accompanied by so-so salad, great Bogle Zinfandel wine and the best company a girl can want, a friend who makes me feel wonderful and loved.

Lately, I have been absent, I know. But forgive me, inexistent readers, I have been too busy living. I have been busy working 12 hrs everyday, partying, working, partying, working...you get the drift. I have been good, but I have been bad more. I have started living my own story of Anais Nin, a complicated woman of the 1930s who doesn't know what she wants so she tries everything and gets scarred by it. This is me, the quintessential adventurer of feelings and things and people. I love experiencing everything...but it causes trouble.

And I end up bruised, but full of beautiful markings left by the experiences...

2010-03-10T23:26:00.000-05:00

"Don't you love storms?" - she asked. "Aren't they the most amazing, beautiful thing you can witness? So full of power, intensity, fear, passion....they are like love!"

"They are like you..." - he answered.

Don't you love storms, dear inexistent readers? Don't you love in all its power, intensity, fear, passion and disillusionment?

Don't you love?

New Beginnings?!

2010-02-02T22:00:00.000-05:00

Hello Inexistent readers,

Have you missed me? It's been a long time since you last did not read me, about a month I think. Well, the news is am currently sitting in the front seat at the top of a double-decker traveling back from Montreal to Toronto. Just finished my two-day affair at meeting my ex and am excited and sad to leave him behind, especially after all the hot sex. I find it incredibly invigorating to have goodbye sex. Would you not agree? It makes one feel better about breaking up...almost! Of course, if you truly love the person, it makes you want to kill yourself but don't worry, that is not my case.

I do love him and I will miss him, but I don't think that I truly love him, otherwise we would not have broken up. Life is a funny thing, it always gives you what you don't want and almost never what you want and if you do get what you want, you get it either at the most inopportune time or in a very twisted way. When I broke up with my first love, the guy before my ex now, I prayed to God to fall in love with a man who was handsome, kind, treated me incredibly well and loved me beyond anything. I got all of those, except, almost none of those. What do I mean? I mean that I did get a handsome man, but not as handsome as I wanted, he had a bit of a tummy. I got a guy who is kind, but only to certain people and only to animals, he was not kind overall. I got a man who treated me well, but only in front of others, superficially, never really gave me any passionate love, basically did not give me what I wanted. And also, I did get a man who loved me beyond anything, at least according to him, but it was not the love I wanted nor needed. I am confused...what is the lesson here? Be careful what you pray for?

I am once again starting a new adventure, starting fresh, albeit with new scars but open-hearted and closed-minded. I have become very judgemental of everything, almost cynical but very open to having fun and enjoying beautiful things, whether they be people, experiences, or things. I feel new and fresh and although I do hurt everyday over the loss and failure of my previous love/relationship, hope and new love horizons, keep me invigorated and insatiable for more...

I know I have battles to win and they are happening right now, but the progress I have made so far is giving me strength and hope and faith that I will succeed.
Although am lost at the moment professionally and emotionally, I feel that everything will be ok with hard-work and experiments. I might take a writing class, maybe apply for some kind of journalism grad school or maybe even volunteer for something related to it. The good thing is that am trying, am crawling and soon I will be walking. Small steps will get me there and although my impatience always gets the better of me and is often the cause of my failures/mistakes, I find that even in this case, it will not hinder my success that much.

Dear inexistent readers, what do you make of this post? Do what you want with it, I just hope you use it for good and positive feeling, just like I am right now...

2010-01-08T02:03:00.001-05:00

Do you know what we live for?

We live for the delicious taste
of a medium-rare steak,
for the sweet tang of wine,
for the laughter we experience
when we hear a good joke,
for a touch,
for a look,
for a beautiful sunrise
after a long night,
for all those moments
that take our breath away.

We live our whole lives
in the hope of having a few magical minutes...

2010-01-02T21:09:00.001-05:00

I find in dark times, we need some good music, infinite supply of coffee/beer/wine/etc and a friend who you can rely to bother him/her at the oddest hours of the day, calling frequently to share the immediately impulsive, stupidest things in your mind that are incredibly trivial to the person you are sharing them with, but insanely important to you at that moment. You also need a comfy bed since you will be spending quite a bit of time there, preferably a laptop to research sappy songs, stalk your ex, read love articles, blogs, writing atrocities on facebook, stalking your ex some more and enjoying some movies. This process does not have a defined time limit, it depends on the person on how long it will last and it also depends on the person on the order of how things will get done during the process.

At the end of this journey, the person needs to finish with a long shower to take away the grime of procrastination/self-deprecation/hibernation and end up with getting dressed nicely and going out for a drink with friends.

The process might be a recurred theme for some, but it will disappear once the hangover of failed relationship is gone or when new romance is in sight.

For those with different steps in the process of getting over someone, please notify me of some interesting/weird/funny/crazy ones. Am all ears for anything new....

Happy 2010!

2010-01-01T22:56:00.000-05:00

Dear inexistent readers,

I want to wish all of you Happy New Year. May this be the beginning of new beautiful endeavors, challenges and journeys to achieving your dreams and your happiness.

May you all also be spared my new year's eve, a day of total ignoring from my bf who is now my ex-bf. May you all have someone to kiss at the moment the clock strikes 12, may you all be partying instead of working and may you all have wonderful friends to celebrate the bitterness of life and make it all better, just like I did.

I am heartbroken at the moment, but strangely comforted by the hope of new beginnings. I find that this was a very auspicious incident and that it is all for the best. I promise to write more frequently and you must forgive my absence lately, due to heavy partying.

I wish you all the best and may we all feel better this year than last...

Ane Brun

2009-12-26T15:31:00.001-05:00

Oh, what a new musical discovery for me today! I found a female artist whose voice I adore and for some strange reason, seems to be the epitome of what I find truly wonderful in a female artist. She is artistic, very creative with her music, cool, not caring to look sexy, and most importantly has a melodious, soothing and yet rough voice that evokes images of streets of Paris, lounging in bed with a warm body, or early sunrise accompanied by kisses and hugs...
The first song is my favourite ever...

What do you guys think?

Offside

2009-12-26T04:04:00.000-05:00

"Long Live Iran" were the constant chants I was hearing in the movie I just finished watching, titled "Offside". I feel light-hearted, happy and somewhat melancholic after watching it. The movie is so beautiful in its simplicity, the camera work is rough yet fluid, almost like a documentary and the plot is simple in appearance but with deep social meanings.

The movie revolves around a group of girls who get caught trying to sneak in to watch the game between Bahrain and Iran, an important game that determines if Iran will make it to the 2006 World Cup. During the story you see all of the stereotypes the world has of Iran and also some shattered ones, such as the kindness of men toward the women and their innocence in the love of the game. You will feel pity and anger towards the obvious discrimination and yet, be sweetly affected by the men's behaviour towards them. In amidst it all, there is humour, brilliant satire, love, respect and profound innocence and human spirit.

You can watch the movie here and enjoy its innocence, humour and raw beauty. It really is a gem....

Dorian Gray

2009-12-25T20:26:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching the movie Dorian Gray, after watching it and ignoring it three times since last night. I have been a fan of Oscar Wilde since the time I first read one of his works, specifically, Lady Windermere's Fan. I fell in love with his wit, his language, his sarcastic remarks and his obvious cynic tone laced with joie de vivre. I have been wanting to read The Portrait of Dorian Gray for a while now but have not been able to yet, so when I discovered that there was a movie, I was excited.

The movie started interesting enough; it captured me with its dark colours, thriller music and beautiful set of late 19th century England. I got even more interested by the presence of Colin Firth in the movie who portrayed the amazing, flawed, deeply-sinful character of Lord Henry Wotton.

I thought the movie was well-done, but the story surprised me because I had no idea what the book was about. However, I think the choice of actor for Dorian Gray could have been better (his acting was not on the same level as the others), even though it seemed to me they had chosen an actor who had much physical similarities with Oscar Wilde himself. This means that the director was intending to portray Gray as a personification of Wilde in real life which is a pretty safe bet knowing how Wilde lived in real life.

The novel seems to me as if it is Wilde's reflections upon his own life, his own philosophies and world views and the musings of what would happen if he let his imagination run free. Wilde was the founder of Aesthetics and professed lover of beauty and anything related to it. He loved the arts, he loved life and he pursued beauty relentlessly and with such passion that he was well-known for his scandals. He was a bisexual and a scoundrel and you can find all of these in Dorian Gray.

Gray is Oscar Wilde and Lord Henry Wotton (Harry) is Oscar Wilde, but they symbolize two different parts of him or his character. The way Lord Harry talks is the way Wilde would talk which makes me think that this is the cynical side of Wilde, this is who he normally is in real life. Meanwhile, Gray is who he was as a young person and who he becomes later on, or who he thinks would he would be if he were to follow all of his wildest dreams. Lord Harry is the temptation and the devil behind Dorian's choices and his like of hedonism and aesthetic world view intrigue Dorian and lead him to make the mistakes he does. The movie is mostly about graphic beauty than character development and this is where it comes short from the book.

The story is a beautiful analysis of good versus evil inside oneself. The deterioration of the portrait as the human soul deteriorates with each sinful act is a pretty good account of reality, of the scars that each mistake leaves. It certainly brings the message home that be careful at how far you push your limits, for you will always have to pay for them in the end....

P.S. For those who want to see the movie online, you can view it here

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T22:00:00.001-05:00

I was lying down, drifting off to sleep and feeling utterly exhausted from being upset when the screams of my mother calling me to go down to eat became too unbearable so I decided to get up and just go down to make her stop. I went down the stairs, reached the living room and was utterly mesmerized at the vision in front of me. The house looked beautiful, a warm glow from the candles on the table and the lights from the tree hugged every corner of the house and surrounded the dining table beautifully, where my mother along with my two brothers had already started eating the delicious food she had cooked. Oven-baked fish, fresh salad, butternut squash, fried peppers, vegetables and cake for dessert. I was still in no mood to eat or be surrounded by people but the sight of all this, warmed my heart and their smiles along with my conscience forced me to eat just a bit so I would not offend them and make them unhappy. I was given e glass of red Montepulciano, brought a glass of water as per my instructions and immediately after two bites, felt that I was actually hungry. As I continued eating and talking with my mom and brothers, I realized that the beauty of Christmas is truly family. The warmth and the happiness of the holiday season is not about how beautiful your house is, how expensive your gifts are or how extensive the choice of dishes on christmas dinner time. It is about just how loved and how much you enjoy each other's company. Our financial situation right now has us very limited in food or gift choices, but it has not stopped us from being happy by just being all of us together. I just hope that the rest of you are feeling the same magical feeling of family love....

With this, I give you my warmest wishes on this holiday season!

Heartbreak Warfare

2009-12-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambien
You're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare.

Hello Rachel!

2009-12-19T14:40:00.001-05:00

I am in love with Rachel McAdams latest shoot with Vogue. I don't know why but am in love with this D&G dress, I love the colour and the print. The Louboutin heels are also magnificent but the pose is the coupe d'etat of the shoot, it puts it all in such a beautiful way.

And check out this Dior lace top. Luxury and beauty intertwined perfectly. (money, money, money is ringing through my head)

And this "Dior belted organza-and-satin dress with built-in bra" is just extraordinary and for some reason, it invokes the image of Grace Kelly, with that tiny waist and tightly-closed belt.

It also helps that I love the actress herself and fell even more in love with her from reading the interview (ecstatic that she lives in Toronto, I might just stalk her a bit and put my creepiness to good use lol).

Mary Ellen Mark

2009-12-18T00:28:00.000-05:00

I found Mary Ellen Mark when I was stalking a girl on facebook whom I greatly admire and who has no knowledge of my existence, because am a creep like that lol. I noticed in her profile pictures a shockingly raw and humanistic picture that portrayed a young girl with heavy make-up and a skimpy bathing suit,smoking while a fat girl of the same age lounging in a tub pool. It was just so raw that I got transfixed. I learned that it was a Mary Ellen Mark photo and immediately began my quest to find more about her and her wonderful work. I discovered that her photographs are pieces of humanity captured in eternity in the form of pixels and that humans will always be the most fascinating subject to humans.

There is no intricate world like that of a human's...

Christmas Blues

2009-12-18T00:04:00.000-05:00

The doors opened and the crowd launched and dispersed upon Don Mills station as flies released from a bottled up jar, all making noise and running towards one place, the bus stops. No one stopped to listen to the drunk guy playing Jingle Bells on his guitar beautifully. Am not sure how many even had a thought of giving him money.
As I was passing him by, being just another fly amongst the flies and rushing to get home myself, I was wondering how many people are going through Christmas as to what am going through. How many people do not even have money to buy Christmas gifts for their family members this season? How many of them are in such a dire financial situation that they pass by a homeless person and cannot even give them a quarter because they need to save it for themselves? I was having a conversation with myself as to how giving a person should be when you do not have yourself any to give. They say Christmas is the season of giving, but how many of us do? I wonder how many of us are heartless in our own tragedies...

After my fourth day at work today, as I was emerging from the subway doors and running towards the bus, I saw the nicely dressed young girls of my age and felt envious. I felt envious for their nice clothes, their supposedly good jobs, their good boyfriends, their good families, their good life. All of this passed before my eyes in succession and with each image, the images of my own life were juxtaposed perfectly to showcase my loserness even more and instill bits of sharp pain. I felt detached from the proud, useful, working part of society that is linked to those young, nicely-dressed girls, but felt something else as well as I saw the rest of the people who seemed just as tired, just as badly dressed as I was.

I was thinking to myself that in the midst of that crowd, I found myself again part of the masses, the working masses that run to work every morning and run home every evening. I am part of this useful part of society and it is the only thing that makes me feel good while am commuting one hour each way to reach work.

I am aware of my failures, I feel the pain of their presence every day, but am determined to not let it win over me, even though am afraid they might be winning the battle for now...

Finally got a job!!!

2009-12-09T20:32:00.002-05:00

After 6 months of not working, I finally got a job. Even though it is only as a server at a fine-dining steakhouse in downtown Toronto, the opportunity of making good money has got me very excited. This means that I can finally start working at reducing the astounding debt I have accumulated as a student. Life seems more hopeful and beautiful now that the prospect of having money has finally come alive. Let us hope that within a few months, I will be contributing with photos of my own (instead of stolen ones as I do now :p) and articles on interesting aspects such as life in Toronto.

I am thinking of changing my blog to follow a certain path or subject such as the musings of an Albanian girl in Toronto. It might be interesting since I consider myself a pretty interesting person that likes interesting things. Modesty will not be welcomed here anymore lol.

Happiness and me...

2009-12-09T01:42:00.001-05:00

Lately, I have been wondering a lot about happiness and what it means. I have discovered that it is a very elusive concept, thing to achieve and also, very subjective which makes it even harder to define; hence, find.
In order to find happiness you need to find yourself, you need to find what makes you truly happy. To find what makes you happy, you need to analyze yourself in entirety, meaning that you have to look at every minuscule part of your personality, everything that makes YOU, analyze it, and then bring the pieces together to analyze the link between you and happiness. Are you lost already? Well, you must be because delving into the depths of you is like mining without headlights, you get lost in the abyss of yourself.

I want it!

2009-12-05T01:35:00.001-05:00

Don't know why but I love this dress even though was not a big fan of Stella McCartney Spring 2010.

Gotta love Giuseppe Zanotti

Chloe

Bow-embellished suede pumps

$1,290 (wtf?)

Thakoon

Mirror mosaic strappy sandals

$1,150

Lanvin

Lizard platform ankle boots

$2,030

Ah, Lanvin, Lanvin! I adore you, but why are you so goddamn expensive????

Judith Leiber

Sunburst crystal-embellished clutch

$2,995 (wtf? does it have a tv inside or smth? why is smth so small so goddamn expensive?)

Yoga-interestingness

2009-12-04T14:50:00.000-05:00

I thought this was pretty cool so I had to share it. This pic and this woman are the epitome of cool. May we all be able to do that at her age (somehow I don't think that will be me lol).

I'm Bored...

2009-12-02T23:34:00.000-05:00

It hasn't been not even two hours since my last post about travel bliss and here I am, feeling utterly bored and for some reason, antsy. My back hurts, my ear hurts from pressing the earphone so hard against my ear to try to hear the sounds coming from the movie Julie and Julia and my bum hurts too and I am getting tired from sitting down. It has only been three hours of driving and am already bored. Can't wait for the stop in Kingston where I can stretch my legs, maybe grab a coffee (would that be a good idea at this time?) and have a cigarette.

The bus tonight seems to have mostly female students traveling who are equipped with their own laptops just like me and who are busy watching, typing away at their screens, just like me. I was thinking about this and technology as I observed the lights coming from the laptop screens here and there scattered along the bus. I was thinking about how convenient life has become, how many ways for us to pass our time and enjoy ourselves and yet, we get bored...Human beings are very whimsical, but it is exactly this that fascinates me...
When bored, philosophize :D

Enroute to Toronto

2009-12-02T22:15:00.000-05:00

Hello inexistent readers,

I am on the bus to Toronto, lying down on two seats, enjoying the beauty of my laptop, watching Julie and Julia, plugging my charger right beside my seat, charging my phone, basically enjoying the awesome amenities that the Megabus of the route Toronto-Montreal provides. Oh yes, I forgot to mention the free wifi that is pretty fast and allows me to write to you at this moment. The only thing that is bothering me are the green lights, but I guess they help with the light of my laptop that could cause eye damage.

There is total darkness outside and it appears to be raining. Yet, I feel as comfortable as I would in my own bed, watching from outside the bedroom window, except that this one is moving and the view is that of Quebec provence (presently, shortly it will be Ontario provence :D). I see trucks passing by that remind me of the Coca-Cola commercial and that increase the melancholy, happy mood that am in. I am excited that am going back to Toronto, am excited for the prospect of beginning a normal life and am saddened by the failure of my relationship. I wonder where the future will take me. Will I be able to have a Julie/Julia Child Project of mine?

When I took this picture, I told my Frenchie friend beside me that this is where I would live one day...still wonder whether it will come true.

I contemplate about my own life as I watch and enjoy this movie and wonder about what I want to do in my own life. I love cooking, I enjoy shopping for groceries much more than for clothes and by God, I love eating. I wonder whether I should follow some kind of path related to cooking as well. But this is not what I have imagined for myself. I have imagined a life of adventure as a writer/photographer for National Geographic. However, the problem lies in the fact that I suck as a writer and am not so sure about my photography skills even though I have gotten some compliments based on my pics from my cellphone shitty camera.
As I watch the Paris scenes, I get reminded of my one day in Paris and how I would have loved to visit Europe during the 1950s. It seems that it would have been a much cheaper, interesting, vibrant and welcoming Europe.

I wonder, I wonder, i wonder....when will I experience instead of wondering?

Ta-ta, inexistent readers :)

The Tale of Genji

2009-12-02T08:45:00.001-05:00

"You linger among the shallow pools of light while I dwell in the darkness."
"Passions reflect the seasons, and I change as they do."

Sayonara, Montreal!

2009-11-26T19:24:00.000-05:00

Well, my last interview as a Research Assistant seems to have not been fruitful as they decided not to hire me so I have decided to leave Montreal for the greener pastures of Toronto where a glamorous job as a clothes-folding girl at RW awaits me. Ah, my career is finally taking off! Well, am excited that am leaving and going back to my family, life, money but at the same time, cannot shake the feeling that am a big time loser. Other people of my age and my position have already found jobs (career ones) while I stay catering to my boyfriend and walking his dogs and cleaning his house and cooking him meals that he does not like and, and, and more ands. I like complaining, as you might have noticed by now, but I also like to believe that they have grounds, you know, I don't like complaining for nothing, I have a reason to do so.

The truth is, I should be complaining more but after years of complaining, I have realized that nothing good comes from it and nothing gets solved so my level of complaining has gone down while my level of trying to do something about it has gone up, but just by a small margin. So, after all this babbling, I am announcing that I don't think there will be a Titleless in Montreal any longer but I might just call it Titleless in Toronto.

What do you nonexistent readers think about this? And you my loving, loyal, only follower (aka Ela)?

Ahhh, am excited to go back into normal life instead of staying all day home watching movies and hating life...

She Wolf!

2009-11-21T00:48:00.000-05:00

For some reason, I just absolutely love this song and I don't care how cheesy it might be, it just makes me feel good. I even love the video....
Ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Blah!

2009-11-20T12:43:00.001-05:00

Hello inexistent readers and my one follower (thank you very much Ela),

I felt like blabbering today and thought it a good idea because let's face it, I love blabbering and I find that that is where I shine...Anyway, so I will tell you in the form of run-on sentences how I have been sick for the past five days and have been feeling very BLAH. I had really high fever, cold sweats, hot sweats (all kinds of sweats multiplied by two), horrible sore throat, a coughing that felt like knives were being stuck inside my throat (which has now transformed into a disgusting phlegm-filled one) and just body fatigue. I was feeling like shit, but the thing that hurt me most was not the delirious physical pain, it was the normal brush off by my loving boyfriend. He is truly a man's man in the sense that he could chop off his finger and not even feel it, have huge cuts and say "Oh, no worries, it will be alright", etc etc so when I got sick, he did not take it seriously and quite frankly, I think he ignored me.

Well, I'm just the opposite. I am the biggest pansy when it comes to (just about anything) disease and my mind works like a Republican minister, I always think of the worst, apocalypse so a myriad of life-threatening diseases start marching in my head. I complain, I wanna be cuddled, spoiled, you know...I'm a brat, I want to be treated like one from the person I love. So, when the man who supposedly loves me comes to me, feels my 100 degree forehead and says you got nothing, doesn't make me tea, doesn't come to ask me how am doing, then I get upset. Of course, I cried, silently, that's my specialty. However, the disease got worse and it appears on the second day, while I was sleeping, I had such high fever that I was shaking and screaming in my dreams and sweating buckets, so it dawned on him that maybe I truly am sick. He tried to make me feel better by buying me kinder bueno (my favourite chocolate in the whole world, except for Ferrero Rocher..hmmmmm) and Kinder Surprise (i love collecting the little toys because am a little kid) which was nice...I felt good, but only momentarily.

That's when it kind of changed, except for the all-day-in-front-of-computer-playing-games schedule, that one is non-negotiable. At least I got some food out of him (he is a great cook), but then again he fucking bitches at me on the fourth day of my sickness when I am feeling a bit better about how dirty the house is. He is not complaining about the days that I have been sick but for my...how shall we call it, messy habits. I leave food out, I leave clothes all over, I cook too much, blah blah blah. I got upset because first off, who the fuck bitches at you for this kind of stuff while you are sick and secondly, I try very hard to do everything to please him and do things the way he likes them but it seems pretty hard for me to let go of my messy habits.

Seriously, how the heck do you change man? I do things without realizing them, like that 1/4 full coffee mug on the coffee table, or the half eaten bagel on the counter (actually that's not true, I would never leave a bagel unfinished, I love them too much), or those clothes on the closet bag (I hate throwing clothes on the floor so I always throw them on tables or chairs, even the dining table which drives him crazyyyy).

Anyway, so these are the adventures I have been having these past few days...
Anyone care to share?

Picture

2009-11-19T17:38:00.000-05:00

Nice legs, beautiful tights, somewhat flat butt and.....is that an Ikea table?

The Mochila Bag

2009-11-19T10:31:00.000-05:00

Out of 13 bags to choose from and I pick without knowing, Roger Vivier Mochila Bag (above). Vivier is participating in something called The Mochila Project where 13 major fashion firms have come up with their own Mochila design and will be selling the bags to use their profits to support the women in Cartagena who make these wonderful bags. There you have it, after all that run-on sentence, you can finally enjoy the designs without my rambling.

Oversaturation

2009-11-19T00:51:00.000-05:00

For God's sake, enough about Sarah fucking Palin. I am so tired of hearing about this ignorant, devious, incredibly annoying woman with irritating idioms/facial expressions/voice who just seems to be talking and talking and talking and saying nothing worth listening to. She seems to me to be the Paris Hilton of the political world.
Why, Republican party, why would you do this to us? Why would you wake this monster?
God, I seriously cannot stand her. I would like her as a normal person, but she just seems so manipulative to me, a proper Stepford "wife" in the form of an Alaskan, hockey mom....

Natural Beauty Remedies

2009-11-14T22:31:00.001-05:00

I found a fantastic article on natural cures for dry skin or dry scalp. I have problems with my hair because I am really losing a lot of it (especially in the front) and cannot get rid of my dandruff. I also suffer from a dry scalp which is always itchy and painful, so to find an article containing remedies that are affordable, organic and that work, is pretty awesome for me. Actually, lately I have been wondering about natural remedies from various parts of the world and I wanted to post something about it here. However, the research and the writing process is scaring me away since am lazy lately, but I will definitely try to post something on that subject.

I am very interested in Arabic and Indian remedies, they just seem so mysterious to me.
Next time we will have to uncover their secrets :)

Oh tights, baby!

2009-11-13T23:55:00.000-05:00

You gotta love Stocking Girl, a tights company.

Sexyyyy...and affordable!

Sophie Dahy Designs

2009-11-13T12:34:00.000-05:00

Hello inexistent readers,

The lovely Verdigris Vie has introduced me to a fantastic collection of silk flower arrangements done beautifully by Sophie Dahy Designs. For those that love this kind of thing, check her out. But i think you should check out Verdisgris Vie more. What a fantastic, delectable, serene decorating blog.

I once saw...

2009-11-11T21:57:00.000-05:00

I once saw a beautiful sunrise,
the cooling light warming the darkness,
the cigarette burning my fingers,
and the whisky burning my throat,
instilling the memory even deeper in,
haunting me today still.

I once cried the night out,
the pain was loud,
the sobs were quiet,
the heart was running,
trying to escape,
and I saw you,
staring back at me from an old photograph,

I once had a revelation,
a moment of lucidness
amidst the dark clouds of my confusion.
I saw the light of my passions,
the warmth of my hobbies,
the aura of my inspirations,
and for a moment,
my fear of failure was gone.

I once did all those things,
but when will I see them again?.

Buying U.S home with a credit card

2009-11-10T02:24:00.001-05:00

This is insane. I just found this article on msn.com (who took it from Forbes) that shows how you can buy some houses with a credit card, that's how cheap they have gotten. Apparently, there around 1000 homes in Detroit that are less than $20,000. It makes me wish that I had saved some money and go invest. The funny thing is that I was in Detroit almost five months ago when my cousin just bought a house for $150,000 and looks exactly the same. I'm not saying they are the same house, am just saying the quality and price of the house in the picture is the same and look what has happened.

Wow....
In Canada, especially around Toronto and GTA, you cannot find a house for less than $250,000 or $300,000. I wanna live in US. They just have it better altogether.

Per Arberin

2009-11-08T22:58:00.000-05:00

Arber, e gjeta ate kengetaren dhe po ta dedikoj ketu. E di qe do biesh ne dashuri si cdo njeri qe ka degjuar zerin e kesaj sirene, nimfe arabe...

Being an Albanian girl is tough

2009-11-08T22:33:00.000-05:00

I spoke with my mother on the phone today and had a one hour conversation. She was talking, I was listening and saying constantly "Yes, yes" just to go along, but I must have wandered off for about 70% of the conversation. Every time I talk to her, it is the same sermon, the same goddamn essay on how I should increase my efforts in finding a job, make up my mind whether I am getting married to the man am with right now, start thinking of having kids, start being a good daughter and come back and support her.

I know, I make my mother sound like a conservative nut who is selfish and not at all tolerant, which she is exactly the opposite. My mother is the most tolerant, liberal, kindest, self-sacrificing, cleverest, most well-read and thoughtful Albanian woman/mother I have ever met. However, even though she is a great mother and a great human being, she drives me nuts. I love her, so much, she is my idol, and yet, my worst nightmare. I really do not want to get her nasty flaws and yet, I want her virtues.

When talking with her, I am constantly reminded of my ancestry: Albanian. Even the sound of that sounds ugly, disgusting to me. I have such a love-hate relationship with my country, my people, that it is a complex that comes, goes, grows, disappears and then comes back again and that I really don't know how to deal with. I find it hard to see what is so great about being Albanian. Most Albanians are so obnoxiously patriotic and I look at them as fools, idiots with stupid ideas that we come from a great country with a great history. Where is the goddamn history? What is so great about our history besides Skanderbeg? I think all of these and realize that I am bitter, I am horribly bitter and angry at my own people, my place of birth. I am angry for all the bad things I went through there, the stupid shit I have to go through with Albanians and the idiocy of my own selfish, immature, being of not recognizing the worth in being proud of where I come from.

I have the aforementioned feelings because being an Albanian girl means you have to be very careful in how you portray yourself with other Albanians, they are very quick to judge you and not in a good way (if you are a girl, that is). Being an Albanian girl means that you cannot say you have a boyfriend, regardless of your age. Well, I think that is changing nowadays but the majority still looks down upon it, especially some parts of my extended family, the backwards ones coming from the villages (bah, how i hate them).
Being an Albanian girl means that you cannot do certain things, like travel alone, or go to clubs, or whatever other liberal shit that most girls are allowed to do. The thing is, being an Albanian girl has its ups and downs, you get the support of everyone in your family (even your most remote cousins) but at the same time, you are bound to their judgements of you.

I think ultimately, being a girl or a boy or whatever, it is definitely influenced by the satellites in your life, but they are not the ones that should define you. You should define yourself through the actions of your choosing. This is the ideal, but not the reality.

In reality, a person does not have much choice since the pressure from left, right, above or below is just too great to do anything that has to do with free will.

2009-11-08T13:06:00.002-05:00

Get your own Box.net widget and share anywhere!

Fashion-less

2009-11-06T14:53:00.000-05:00

Remember how a few posts back, I said that I would start dedicating this blog to fashion so I can garner some much-need readership and fame? Well, that project just seems to have gone out the window because I got no designer shoes or clothes, except for my much-revered Prada and Alexander McQueen dresses which I have never worn and just sit prettily in my closet collecting dust and getting out of style. I wish I could have money to go out there and buy pretty things, afford those gorgeous shoes (I do love shoes), but being jobless and broke does not really help. Plus, I have found that I am just too shy, lazy or creative-less to even come up with interesting outfits from what I already have. But maybe I will get balls one day, take some pics and put them up. However, do not expect to see a face, I like my anonymity.